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I saw this on a few other blogs and decided to join in. The concept is to pick one word that you want 2012 to be.

Stability is the word that I chose. I’ve been unstable for a long time, due to my own issues, other toxic people in my life, and since I’m owning this year and taking my life back through gastric bypass, better and more effective coping skills, and healing from years of self abuse, abuse from others. I’m living this year day by day hoping to become stable and well adjusted.  This also goes over to home life as well. I am getting new furniture from Rent-a-center so I can have nice furniture and pay it off monthly and I’m getting that before #gastricbypass [1.Why yes I did just hastag my own blog.] and once I get that I’m cleaning up the entire apartment, and keeping it clean. I’m getting rid of things I don’t use any longer or have no place for and working up from there.

Today in America, its labor day. Well today was also my appointment to get into the low income housing, and I really wanted to get this over with because then I’d need a move in date, start packing, figure out who’s going to take over my lease etc.  The appointment was going to be last Friday but I’ve been having problems with my depakote and am right now refusing to take it, because I don’t feel right on it, and have been having panic attacks on it. So I couldn’t miss my Friday’s counseling appointment to let her know what was going on. So the woman I talked to said to be there today at 1. Dad and I went up, got into a little tiff because he, I think, expects me to have all the answers as to my sister’s recent life move, and I don’t, and have told him that time and time again.

So anyways, we get up there, after hitting up Walmart really fast to find me an either net cord for my desk top computer to be online, (I swear they should start selling them with the desktop!)  and ended up being there 15 minutes early only to find out that they don’t ever come in on a holiday and that I would have to call tomorrow, to reschedule. Dad said that if it is tomorrow he would give me the bus money because he’s going to be out of town with another apointment, and won’t be able to take me.

I’m kind of disapointed because I could have spent the morning working out, working, doing school work, etc. Now because I woke up super early, I am so freaking tired, and because its rainy outside, I’m thinking a nap might be in order. I really want to go through the other closet at some point in the near future because I know that it needs to be done and reorganized, as does the other closet, but right now I have zero energy, and just want a nap.

I haven’t gotten my multi vitamin yet, and I’m wondering if I should get prenatal vitamins for the extra boost of vitamins, or if I should just get something like Flintstones. GAH! I have my list of things to do for the first month and I am going to start doing them, besides the diet that is, tomorrow. Because today, feels like a Sunday, and with it being all rainy and icky, just doesn’t bode well for the concentration factor.

This week I’ve had two small victories during this weight loss journey of mine. The first, is that I worked out 5 days in a row, and today I managed to work out for a total of 55 minutes doing Just Dance 2 and Summer Party. My other small victory is because I have to do weekly weigh ins I’ve decided to make Saturday night mine. I’ve lost *drum roll please* 2.3 lbs. I know that this is a rather small victory, but its a victory none the less. I am so excited. In six months I have to loose at least 37 lbs. That’s a 1 lb a week and I’ve already lost a few!

I’ve also learned the value of stretching, muscle cream, and massage settings on the shower! LOL. Ugh tomorrow I have to finish cleaning the bath room, and its the one room that I can’t stand to clean, because its always so much work. And on top of all of that, I need to some how change my shower curtain. The kittens decided they didn’t like the shower curtain, or it had offended them at the very least, and shredded the entire bottom half. I have a spare thankfully, and from now on I am going to make sure its not dangling for the kittens to reach. Imagine my surprise this morning when I got up to shower.

I have some friends that are letting me shoot their engagement pictures and their wedding pictures, I need the practice and they needed a photographer.

If you’re currently in a relationship how long have you been dating/married/etc? How did you meet? If you’re not what is your ideal relationship like and what do you look for in a s/o? 

Honestly my ideal relationship would be one built on friendship, honesty and communication. I want to wait until marriage for sex. Not for religious reasons, but because well, I’m tired of men treating me like a sex object. I get on social networking sites to make friends, promote Radio Hybrid, not to be asked for nude pics, cam shows or to have cyber/phone sex with these strange men that are sometimes as old as 60. (My father by the way is 63 gross!) On top of all of that, is that I am a sexual abuse/assault survivor and I want to make damn sure that I’m respected as a person, as a woman, and as someone that could be the mother of their children, before I get naked with them. Waiting also cuts the chances of STD’s and unwanted pregnancy 100% out of the picture.

I basically want to fall in love with my best friend, someone who will accept me all the time and not just some of the time. You can only have sex what 1-2 hours a night? ¹ What are you going to do with the other 22-23 hours of the day? I want someone who is smart, funny, sexy, romantic, likes to cuddle and isn’t afraid to show affection in public, like a quick kiss, hug or hand holding. Someone who isn’t going to be afraid to be seen with me (before and after gastric bypass.)

That’s another thing, gastric bypass is unkind to the human body. Sure it helps you get rid of the weight, but all that excess skin? Not for the faint of heart. I’m ready to go through this journey, and because right now I’m single, and childless, it makes sense to do it now. If they can’t accept ALL of me, then they can’t have me. I have a past and they need to understand that I wasn’t always the good little girl that I have become. I used to be a rebel, a wild child so to speak and I do not want to go through that again.

I also do not want a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater. They need to be happy enough with themselves, and their jobs/future that they can settle down and NOT cheat.

I finally made the call a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of myself an H2T picture (head to toe) and saw how out of control my weight has gotten, for a doctor’s appointment for getting on the road to gastric bypass. I was approve and my starting weight is horrible. Its twenty pounds less then what I was at when I was at my heaviest, but for friends and family I’d like to explain my reasons for wanting this operation.

When I was 12 years old I weighed 136 lbs. I was a size 12 and looked and felt good. I was 12 years old when my depression kicked in. At my age, height and weight, I should weigh 136 lbs NOW, not at 12 years old.  I have 206 lbs to loose to be at that weight again. Will that be the goal weight the doctors and I go over? Maybe not. But that’s still a lot of weight to loose. I’ve tried every diet on the planet, I’ve lost the weight, I got down to 266 lbs before I got hospitalized in 2007 and was put back on medication which made me blow back up to what I am now. Since then, the weight just will not come off. Its gotten to the point where it hurts me to walk further than a few blocks, and the blocks in my town are not NYC blocks, they are small. I am single at this moment and I have no children and this tool would help me now, get back to were I need to be to be healthy. I do have cancer, diabetes, thyroid, etc in my family and I don’t want to be one of those people with type 2 diabetes because of my weight. I may get married and try to have children and my weight actually might have made me infertile. ¹ And right now, I have no one to answer to, but myself. I’m 26, and I refuse to live out the rest of my life wearing mu mu dresses and crying when I need new cloths because nothing fits right. I don’t want to raise children should I have them with an obese mother and have the horrible health choices passed. I want the cycle of self induced shit to stop with me. My sister is thin, she lucked out thankfully. I however am the ‘fluffy’ girl.

I am not using this as an easy fix. I know its not easy. Its taken me two years to reach this choice in my life. I’m ready and willing to work. No questions asked I am willing to full fill my dream of having a body to be proud of. I don’t want the aches and pains and god for bid I do NOT want to be a 20- something that has fibromilgia. That pain disorder is terrible, my mother has it and with out her pain medicine she goes through hell. I want better for myself.  I no longer have a boyfriend who is abusive and controlling telling me that I can’t because he won’t love a woman like that. This is a very hard and very personal choice and I’ve made it in my best interest. I hope everyone understands.

A lot of my problems is that I need an instant solution, like right now.I don’t like to wait for things, and with weight loss, its the same thing. However I am learning my limits and starting small to work towards something big.  So I got the Ninento Wii.  I have the Wii Sports, as well as Just Dance 1 and 2 and once I get to the point where I’m low enough weight to do Wii Fit I’m going to do that as well. I also have an excerize bike my father is bringing down so I can start doing that as well. After what I saw in the windows at the local weekender college, I was so not happy with myself.

I’ve been working now for three weeks. Because its in a factory I tend to NOT shower until after work. I had to leave early on Monday and misses Tuesday because of a double ear infection that kicked my ass. Went back Wednesday for work and the Christmas party which was nice.  But I’ve noticed that I was so sluggish yesterday at work. I usually am when I don’t shower before work. Today I said screw it I am going to shower, and I sat in there and scrubbed my face, etc. I can’t believe the difference on how much better I FEEL. I’ve never noticed the difference until I got out of the shower this time.

My sister and I are doing a huge weight loss journey together mine will be on here categorized under weight loss. I will be posting recipes and how to guides and I’m sure she will be as well. I’ve noticed that I adore cooking and baking and to be able to do it in a healthy way makes me very happy.

I get to see my boyfriend this weekend so I’m super excited about that,we are getting to be playful again with each other and that makes me happy.  He’s always been a really good friend of mine and considering I’ve known him for eleven years, he knows more about me than most people. He is one of two men that can listen to the way I saw hello or the way I talk and know that I’m depressed or pissed off.  It’s so weird that I almost gave up on him. I’m SO glad that I didn’t our love story is a rocky one. But damn its worth it.