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Since I’m single, and therefore am not taking part in the Valentine’s Day celebrations, I hopped the bus up to Sayre so I could go to my pre-admissions appt for my carpal tunnel surgery. I got my blood sugar taken, (105, thanks for asking. And that was after drinking an 8 oz glass of sweet tea.) and got the info packet and was sent home. I spent an hour and a half on the bus just to get there, to be told ‘hey you’re early’ which means hurry up and wait. Got out of the appointment, only to have to wait another hour and half to catch the bus BACK home, walked home, did the dishes and walked back to the Dandy Mini Mart to get hoagies. The ride on the way back was bumpy as hell. I got a lot of my book read which was nice, except NOW I want to read more of it, and blow off my homework.

Except for making some cookies for my hiding in my room fest on the 14th, I am boycotting Valentine’s Day. This is the first year after the break up for Valentine’s Day and I’m just not in the mood to celebrate.   I just want to be alone for the day. I have to take a bus up to the doctor’s office, and then come home and forget the stupid day even exists. I’ve tried everything to cheer myself up, but nothing is working.

I went grocery shopping today, helped Jet get the laundry around. Then got two phone calls to walk down to the laundry mat to drop of things to her, and then because she got called into work, I went grocery shopping. I did my homework had a cup of coffee, dinner and now am shut up in my room because, well because my sister wanted to go to bed. I won’t turn this into a whining fest or anything so I’ll get off.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and while I’m single and could care less, a lot you are not. So why not head over to EdenFantasys and make your lady’s (or man’s) day special? Right now they are giving away with any order a free slim line Groovie Vibrator. That’s a huge bonus! However if you’re the romantic type you could get this Sweet Heart chocolate box to help set the mood. EdanFantasys.com is very simple and easy to use, there are reviews on the website that will help you choose your toy or kit. If you’re into S&M they have some pretty good kits, anything from the Japanese love ropes to a series of collars on paddles. I joke around with my friend B about getting him a collar that says BITCH on it. There are also several Valentine’s special’s going on right now. The cool part? If you buy over 80 dollars there’s free 2 day shipping, if its over a hundred its free next day shipping. So hurry up before your Valentine’s day flies past you. You don’t wanna miss this.

Tomorrow January 24th I will be turning 26 years old. I don’t feel awesome, I feel like I fail. Most woman my age have children, are married, (in one woman’s case twice.), I haven’t graduated from college because I finally found where I fit in and what I want out of life. I don’t have a job, or a defined career. I’ve met all of my life’s goals that where important enough for me to remember. But I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve published a poetry book, have gotten several things published in other works, I’ve made my life stable enough for having bipolar and borderline personality disorder as well as severe anxiety issues. But I just feel full of fail. I’ve never gotten roses, or spent a Valentine’s Day with anyone except my ex that turned into a double date at McDonald’s in a town over from mine. I thought I had someone that loved me. S[he] Be[lie]v[ed]. Ironically I talked to his wife yesterday, the one he was supposedly divorcing and leaving because he couldn’t stand her anymore, which is why I even gave him a second chance and we got along great.  But in reality, tomorrow I’m going to wake up, still single, have to get ready to go to the doctor’s to have my hands worked on…. and for what? Half my family isn’t talking to me, the other half is busy with their own lives. I haven’t gotten a call or birthday wish from my Aunty Val in years….

I’ve been thinking more and more about just running. Packing up my laptop, books, dogs, and just running. But I can’t do that for a lot of logical reasons. My very soul is telling me to run, I have nothing left here. Ten years ago I was a 16 year old kid in the hospital because of a major mental break down. I’m terrified its going to happen again. The simple reality is everything that’s ever and I mean ever mattered to me I don’t have for myself.  I’m Karbear, one of the boys, the one that until just recently wasn’t even good enough for a second date let a long a relationship. I just hope this guy knows what he’s getting himself into because no one sticks around me for long.

Smile through the tears, and the pain, never let them know inside you’re dying.