HELLO-KARYN{dot}ORG

I saw this on a few other blogs and decided to join in. The concept is to pick one word that you want 2012 to be.

Stability is the word that I chose. I’ve been unstable for a long time, due to my own issues, other toxic people in my life, and since I’m owning this year and taking my life back through gastric bypass, better and more effective coping skills, and healing from years of self abuse, abuse from others. I’m living this year day by day hoping to become stable and well adjusted.  This also goes over to home life as well. I am getting new furniture from Rent-a-center so I can have nice furniture and pay it off monthly and I’m getting that before #gastricbypass [1.Why yes I did just hastag my own blog.] and once I get that I’m cleaning up the entire apartment, and keeping it clean. I’m getting rid of things I don’t use any longer or have no place for and working up from there.

I’m not sure what is going on with me lately. I think its because the when the front door got broken, and the screen was there over a weekend were the weather is getting colder and colder. Hey it is almost offically autumn here people! I am coming down with something. That and the random cramps on my left side have gotten me wondering what is going on. Thankfully I have done my homework for the week and turned it in. I’m so tired that I couldn’t even begin to look up life insurance quotes online which I should probably do since the flood happened, I got reminded of my fragile mortality. While I’m at it I should probably remind my father to look up burial insurance at BurialInsurance.org.

It sucks because I have no money to vitamins over the counter or other wise, and if this pain keeps up in my left side I may end up in the ER tonight. Lets hope not. I hate doctors. Ironic I know, since I have to go down to Danville soon (if I can get there) for the nutrition  class for gastric bypass. This is yet another reason for a life insurance quote since gastric bypass is no joke.

I finally made the call a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of myself an H2T picture (head to toe) and saw how out of control my weight has gotten, for a doctor’s appointment for getting on the road to gastric bypass. I was approve and my starting weight is horrible. Its twenty pounds less then what I was at when I was at my heaviest, but for friends and family I’d like to explain my reasons for wanting this operation.

When I was 12 years old I weighed 136 lbs. I was a size 12 and looked and felt good. I was 12 years old when my depression kicked in. At my age, height and weight, I should weigh 136 lbs NOW, not at 12 years old.  I have 206 lbs to loose to be at that weight again. Will that be the goal weight the doctors and I go over? Maybe not. But that’s still a lot of weight to loose. I’ve tried every diet on the planet, I’ve lost the weight, I got down to 266 lbs before I got hospitalized in 2007 and was put back on medication which made me blow back up to what I am now. Since then, the weight just will not come off. Its gotten to the point where it hurts me to walk further than a few blocks, and the blocks in my town are not NYC blocks, they are small. I am single at this moment and I have no children and this tool would help me now, get back to were I need to be to be healthy. I do have cancer, diabetes, thyroid, etc in my family and I don’t want to be one of those people with type 2 diabetes because of my weight. I may get married and try to have children and my weight actually might have made me infertile. ¹ And right now, I have no one to answer to, but myself. I’m 26, and I refuse to live out the rest of my life wearing mu mu dresses and crying when I need new cloths because nothing fits right. I don’t want to raise children should I have them with an obese mother and have the horrible health choices passed. I want the cycle of self induced shit to stop with me. My sister is thin, she lucked out thankfully. I however am the ‘fluffy’ girl.

I am not using this as an easy fix. I know its not easy. Its taken me two years to reach this choice in my life. I’m ready and willing to work. No questions asked I am willing to full fill my dream of having a body to be proud of. I don’t want the aches and pains and god for bid I do NOT want to be a 20- something that has fibromilgia. That pain disorder is terrible, my mother has it and with out her pain medicine she goes through hell. I want better for myself.  I no longer have a boyfriend who is abusive and controlling telling me that I can’t because he won’t love a woman like that. This is a very hard and very personal choice and I’ve made it in my best interest. I hope everyone understands.

The only thing that I feel caught up on is school work. Next term I’m taking three classes. One main class and two mini classes. This does not excite me. Thankfully my sister and her fiancée are understanding of what is going on, or the house work would be so over whelming its not even funny. However thanks to them helping that is not the case.
I fell on my hand the other day, the hand that is still healing from surgery. Yeah lets just say that I’m uber pissed about that one, but it was my own klutz tendencies. My feeling out of sorts haven’t been getting better, but they haven’t been getting worse either. Apparently me becoming this super bitch is a problem. I got tired of certain people and I told them about it. I didn’t hide behind passive aggressive hinting. I flat out told them after they posted a facebook message that generally pissed me off. I feel better. When you treat people like shit on a daily basis it tends to bug me.
I’ve been taking a whole slew of pictures of the pets with my new camera. I have a Nikon and two Sony’s. The big Sony is a little cd instead of memory card Maciva and the other one is a Cyber shot. The cyber shot is the one I’ve been using. My Nikon is wonderful don’t get me wrong and I love shooting in the macro setting, but the Cyber shot is just plain easier for pets. My cat is so weird, she curls up on the back of the couch and will turn herself until she’s got her chin on the wall. I’ve never had a cat do that before. Meh I think she’s just trying to be a heater hog since the heater is behind the couch.
The other night when I was walking I saw a pair of brand stinking new Air Jordan’s (black) possible a men’s size 10 or 11 just sitting on the ground beside a local bank. I was talking on the phone with my mom and looked over in the street and there was a box for the shoes. I had no idea if someone tried to steel them from the local shoe store, or if it was just the gas guys showing that much less respect for our small town. Either way I could care less.
My bestie comes home soon. I’m so excited over this. I adore him and the kids and can’t wait to see my twinkerbell and my Goddaughter. I’ve been doing my hair and make up daily again. I don’t know how to explain it, but it just makes me feel better.
I’ve been playing World of Warcraft again. My tank is a level 18 and I so want it to hurry up and get to a 20 so I can buy the damned mount! My blood elf warlock is already a 31 so she’s got two mounts at the point and a lot of gear etc. But I’m not finding any more quests for her. *cries*

After being in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship where do you go? Do you crumble and watch the people you love the most worry about you? Or do you get help? I’m at this cross roads right now. I opened myself up to my ex and I got hurt. Well two ex’s. One of them lied to me and the other lied, cheated, abused, controlled etc. to be perfectly honest I thought I had been over this a while ago. The truth is I had lost so much of myself in that relationship because nothing I did was ever right. I don’t doubt he loved me at one time. I also don’t doubt that he has his issues and until he deals with them he’s not going to be happy. I don’t want that for me. I’m dating now for the first time in my life. Can you imagine that? When I feel like my world is crumbling down at my feet I am getting asked out left right and center.

I’ve also come to a conclusion that it wasn’t fair what I went through. I choose to end it and for that I’m grateful I took the first step in getting my power back. My next step? To get help. If you don’t see me on for a few days that’s why. I am going to get help once and for all.

I had a job. Yes the term is past tense. I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m so stressed out right now its not even funny. I have to do school work, worry about when my  boy is gonna move in, if he’s gonna move in and we are actually gonna be together. I’m feeling the post holiday treats that I ate and feel fat.

I liked my job,  but when I come back from four days off with everything be trashed, being in so much physical pain that I just sit down and cry. Where I am starting to see things that aren’t there, hear things that I shouldn’t be hearing. I just couldn’t do it.  So I did what I thought was best for me.

Every time I watch my boyfriend walk out that door, I realize that there is a chance he’s not gonna come back because of his own personal issues. It sucks. I love him so freaking much, and I know that it could be over in an instant. That all of my dreams and hopes and fears could come crashing down around me.