HELLO-KARYN{dot}ORG

Last night I decided after an improptu photo shoot with S and B that I would start a ‘Daily To-Do’ list. This was after the council meeting from hell, and something that I really do not want to talk about again, suffice it to say that I was stark raving mad and ending up giving Sara a migraine because I was like pouring out energy I was that pissed off. After they left I had a minor crying session because I think I’m actually PMSing, and what I was crying over wasn’t the issue because the true issue is that since I’ve been sick for the past week and a half, I’ve let things go and I felt out of control and I took the stance of fixing rather than obsessing. YAY for me. (No seriously, when I get obsessive nothing gets done. Vicious cycle I know.) So before bed I got the laundry put away and began to do the Daily To-Do list. And before I get started in my 2 hour of daily cleaning, ¹ I figured that I’d blog and drink my breakfast a triple chocolate protein shake. (*gag*) After which I will put the computer back on the desk turn on the tunes (OMG Nicki M’s new song ‘Turn me on’ amazing) and dance while cleaning my apartment while the timer ticks away. Tiny has already been out, and I am going to do a work out as soon as I finish drinking my shake. I might actually wait until 11 am hits so that way I can so a full 60 min work out via just dance.
I know that I can do this, and I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now, and it just makes more sense to start now rather than later.
It kind of sucks because I got the perfect TV from rent a center, a Sony Bravia that could hook up to the net and I could watch netflix, listen to pandora etc and there was a broken pixel in it coming out of box so I got a loaner and while its a bigger LCD screen its not my tv. Oh well. I’m just thankful that I am doing this through Rent A Center and not just bought it from Walmart because that pixel would not have been fixed.
In some kick ass news I weight myself this morning and so far 3 more pounds have been lost.

This past month as been a blur of emotions for me. From worrying about gastric bypass green lights, to family drama (or lack there of. Call me paranoid but when all is calm during the holidays with out the traditional family fight- I get worried.) To stressing about school work, health related issues etc. I just haven’t been able to catch my breath. And for about a month now I can’t sleep worth a darn. Of course my life is so boring with out a man, kids, or a strict schedule that I really don’t stress about it all that much. Except for today. You see I have to keep tabs on the bipolar aspect of my health, and when I can’t sleep for shit every night for a month, its time for me to call me doctor to get put on something to help me sleep, or at least get some Benadryl which is guarantee knock out drug of choice for me. I wouldn’t worry about it if it were just sleep alone, but its also the fact that I’m irritable, over the stupidest things. So my readers, I believe that I am having a mild manic episode. Thankfully as part of the green light from the pdoc I have to make an appointment and keep an appointment with my local mental health facilities. My counselor is wonderful and very encouraging, and I think I’m going to be having a long talk with her about this Wednesday.

One some better news- My sister and her boyfriend should be coming up to visit me soon. I can’t wait. I love/hate being here alone day after day. Its more like I love it because its drama free and I don’t have to deal with people’s gossipy shit, but I hate it because I live so far away from my family. Mom wants me to move down to the Tower’s where she’s at, and I’m just not all that comfortable with it. I like living here for the most part. For the first time in a long time, I have friends that I can go out with that understand my ‘I’m not going to drink, but I’m certainly willing to dance like I’m drunk and be DD to make you guys feel better.’ and they understand me. And more over the care about me as me and not me trying to hard to please people. Also I’ve been able to really grow as a female and really value the empowerment that I’ve tripled since being here.

Did I mention that my Birthday is this month? Yeah… I don’t wanna talk about it. Don’t tell anyone but I’m going to be *gulp* 27. I’m having a huge problem with this. Not because its old or anything like that. But because I kind of had a to do list of things I’d wanted to do before I turned 30. And only like two of those things are going to be done. The first is getting the gastric bypass and loosing the weight, and second is graduating from college. Thanks to Full Sail I’ll be able to do that.  That and birthday’s =cake and ice cream and blargh. However Pillsbury now has sugar free cake mixes and frostings that are pretty stinking good.

I did learn that Special K protein shakes are amazingly good, but also very high in sugar. Sugar is baaad. I’m also starting hopefully tomorrow (I’m taking a bus to Wal-mart.) I am going to get the Whey protein shakes that are very low in sugar and some protein shots. (They have grape, watermelon, and strawberry… Strawberry wins for me.) and I’m going to go on a week long liquid fast to try to up my weight loss and get over this plateau I’m having.  I’m also doubling my work outs to three times a week to 30 min daily, rotating between just dance 3 and doing the treadmill, and upping my water in take from 63oz to 126 oz. I haven’t had soda in a long time, but I have gone out to dinner, and starting tomorrow-er-today I am going to be on a 90 day no fast food challenge. With that I’m also doing a 90 day no caffeine/soda challenge. Ok so since I can’t sleep, and the dog is snoring beside me on the floor, I decided to take it on step further on the 90 day challenges and create a new 101 in 1001 list. You can find it under the Day Zero tab. Wish me luck!

I saw this on a few other blogs and decided to join in. The concept is to pick one word that you want 2012 to be.

Stability is the word that I chose. I’ve been unstable for a long time, due to my own issues, other toxic people in my life, and since I’m owning this year and taking my life back through gastric bypass, better and more effective coping skills, and healing from years of self abuse, abuse from others. I’m living this year day by day hoping to become stable and well adjusted.  This also goes over to home life as well. I am getting new furniture from Rent-a-center so I can have nice furniture and pay it off monthly and I’m getting that before #gastricbypass [1.Why yes I did just hastag my own blog.] and once I get that I’m cleaning up the entire apartment, and keeping it clean. I’m getting rid of things I don’t use any longer or have no place for and working up from there.

So Friday, after signing the lease, filling out the paper work, reading an encyclopedia of material, rules, and a apartment building newsletter, I hauled my first load into my new apartment. That was the first of 5 loads. I downsized a lot. Now the only thing I need is book shelves, hangers, and I will start to be organized.  For now, I am doing my nails, because I need to do some serious maintenance on them. I cut them all off before the move, and they were literally the longest I’ve ever had them. Now I am getting back into writing seriously with school and will be online as of tomorrow, *sqee* instead of this wireless signal hopping. I am excited to be able to get on….

Yesterday I went and got my dog. So Tiny is home and recovering nicely. She’s sleeping right now, but she’s up and active after getting spayed. Next month I am making the appointment for getting her microchipped. Which is nice because it comes with the added bonus of life long license for her, and I say added because my primary concern is loosing her.

So today is filled with going through yet more boxes to find my camera charger, (old Sony not the new Nikon) and catching up on some shows. I did manage to watch America’s Next Top Model last night and CSI. It made me happy that I can watch ANTM at 9 and CSI at 10… but it annoys me because CSI for YEARS was on Thursdays at 9 am. Are parents all of a sudden bitching about the graphic material? Most children I know are in bed by 9… but whatever, its on and I like the cast changes so far, so no more complaints from me.

I have this insane Britney song stuck in my head and its sad because I don’t listen to Britney all that often… *le sigh*

Since I’m single, and therefore am not taking part in the Valentine’s Day celebrations, I hopped the bus up to Sayre so I could go to my pre-admissions appt for my carpal tunnel surgery. I got my blood sugar taken, (105, thanks for asking. And that was after drinking an 8 oz glass of sweet tea.) and got the info packet and was sent home. I spent an hour and a half on the bus just to get there, to be told ‘hey you’re early’ which means hurry up and wait. Got out of the appointment, only to have to wait another hour and half to catch the bus BACK home, walked home, did the dishes and walked back to the Dandy Mini Mart to get hoagies. The ride on the way back was bumpy as hell. I got a lot of my book read which was nice, except NOW I want to read more of it, and blow off my homework.

Except for making some cookies for my hiding in my room fest on the 14th, I am boycotting Valentine’s Day. This is the first year after the break up for Valentine’s Day and I’m just not in the mood to celebrate.   I just want to be alone for the day. I have to take a bus up to the doctor’s office, and then come home and forget the stupid day even exists. I’ve tried everything to cheer myself up, but nothing is working.

I went grocery shopping today, helped Jet get the laundry around. Then got two phone calls to walk down to the laundry mat to drop of things to her, and then because she got called into work, I went grocery shopping. I did my homework had a cup of coffee, dinner and now am shut up in my room because, well because my sister wanted to go to bed. I won’t turn this into a whining fest or anything so I’ll get off.

More artists need to make songs like this:

I’ve been feeling rather down lately and I was listening to old school Evanescence from the Fallen album wondering whatever happened to the fall 2010 album they were making? Anyway I was on youtube watching the music videos, cause well Amy Lee is hot, and I saw this song on a vevo banner. It’s an amazing song. I have Pink’s album “Can’t take me home” “Mizzundastood” and “Trouble.” But I have songs from Funhouse and the other one that came out.  Pink helped me through some pretty hard times and this song is just one of those that hits home in a huge way. Hey music industry? Instead of talking about gang wars, bitches, hoes, drugs, sluts, and alcohol can we please have some more positive music like this? Like Katy Perry’s Firework?

Be jealous, my sister made home made lasagna tonight for dinner, diet to hell, I had two plate fulls. I feel like Garfield, just saying.  She makes her own sauce and because lasagna is expensive to make I’ve never had hers before. I did tonight and   amazing.

Went grocery shopping today, got some blue raspberry soda which I had with dinner. It brings me back to when I was younger and would sneak blue slushies. I came home and am now waiting for word from my honey to get back at me. I love him so much and I’m just waiting for his phone call or text as we speak. I found out my classes for school, I am taking composition 2 and Criminal procedures and the constitution.

I am 25 god damned years old. Since when does that give my father the right to ask who I have in the apartment just because someone says something in the back ground. It’s my apartment, I pay the rent, not my father.What makes him think that just because I’m crazy, means that he can boss interrogate  me  like that? I have lived on my own for over a year, haven’t ever let underage people drink in my home, have had the cops called on me unless it was for an emergency. I try to make a good home where my door is always open and I don’t live like a freaking hermit.

My step sister is underage, or was until this past year. Because I apparently can’t string thoughts together when I’m pissed off I got her age wrong, my sister is underage, my step sister is of age which makes it worse because she could have gone to jail for serving a minor alcohol. I’m also speaking of past incidences, ya know like the one with Jack Daniels.. She let her 20 year old brother drink who is also a serving military person. He hadn’t turned 20 un til this year btw he’s only 6 months older than my sister. They’ve had the cops called on him/them several times. But because they do not have a mental health diagnosis, he doesn’t bitch at them.  But because I have people here all the time, try to be there to anyone who needs a shoulder or have it worse off then I do, and because I talk to people that he doesn’t like, he deems it perfectly fine to try to lord over me and control me. Guess what Dad? You didn’t do that in high school when I needed it, you’re too late now. I am 25 years old and an adult. Your son doesn’t talk to you, I didn’t for two years… we were doing so good… why do you insist on trying to control my entire life when you are to freaking late to parent?

** In no way am I trying to even consider myself all knowing. This is just what I’ve noticed. And what I told him myself. I do not let people drink her underage or even hang out here with people above age drinking.

Since last year its been very hard finding a good place to live.[1.Thanks go the natural gas drillers.] Even if you do find a place, you have to worry about the land lords kicking you out so the gas guys can come in and live where you’ve made a home. I’m done with this. I’ve been looking for awhile for a rent to own place, even a trailer. [2.  Like I was still with my ex, over the summer long. ] and to no luck. I don’t care at this point if its a trailer as long as my boyfriend and myself has a room, my step son to be has a room and my sister has a room. ¹ Let me tell you, its like finding a needle in a hay stack. I don’t have the best credit scores and neither does the boyfriend but we try. A lot of his problem is his freaking ex wife and how much she ruined him.

There are times I really wish I’d listened to my parents and not gotten myself into so much financial yuck. But I was young, dumb and frankly shouldn’t be allowed to carry money during certain moods of mine. I’m really just trying to remain calm, but its getting harder and harder. [4.People trying to crash on my couch like I'm a non paying bed and breakfast. ] And my Dad and step mom being pissed at me. ²  Life goes on and I guess I’m gonna have to go with it.