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Well my lovely readers because of my fantastic beginning and the slowing of weight loss to the point of weight gain (+2 lbs this time!) I am now for the next two and a half weeks going to be on nothing but slim fast/protein bars and shakes as well as doing the work out routines like P90x, hip hop abs, Just Dance 3, Tae Bo etc. I am of course not going to waste my fruit that I have now so I don’t let them rot, and with the Jillian Micheals shakes for a meal it says to add fruit as well. So for the moment I am doing shakes and soups. Cream soups, tomato soup etc.
Oh and I used Avon smoothing shampoo, conditioner and serum this morning and blow dried my hair and oh lord is it strait. This is a pretty amazing feet in itself, because my hair doesn’t get strait for nothing.
*sigh* I can’t sleep for crap so I am getting off here to read a bit maybe watch another episode of Bones….

Yesterday, I spent most of the day doing homework. That’s right you heard me. I cleaned the house (I swear there is a gremlin living here that messes it up as I clean it. Oh wait its my dog.) and did homework. Last week I had to do a short film, and about a moment/event in my life that changed everything for me. I wanted it to be dramatic but I sound terrible in voice over. I can sing my heart out, don’t ask me to speak. So instead I help up note cards covering my mouth that told the story and I went through the note cards one by one until there was a smiling me at the end and it was done in black and white. I got 100% on it and the instructor said that it was incredible. *Happy Karyn*.
I also calmed down a lot after crying on the phone to my mother and worse case scenario they tell me that unless I do A… B…and C that I will be red lighted. I will do their ABC and be done with it. I got around today and I a card from Arwen, and from Allyson today from Lavish. <3 The day before that I got a card from Jenn, Nicole and a few others. I’m making out like a bandit with Christmas cards!
I also did a 40 min work out on the treadmill. I took my nook down and just read while I walked. I am a little stiff from upping the pace but other than that I’m pretty good. Then I went about doing more homework. Playing Alice:The Maddness Returns, and I’m stuck at the Mad Hatter’s Domain part. rrrrr.
Then I rewatched Glee Hold onto 16 because I’m a sap for the Jackson 5 tribute. All in all its been a productive day. I even tried the hair oil I got in my birch box and I must say that it did make my hair look really good and super hydrated with out becoming oily. #WIN! I’m also going to start reading more books and so far I’ve got The Virgin Suicides, The Hunger Games, The Shining, My Sister’s Keeper, A clock work Orange, Sookie Stack house series etc. Any suggestions? Comment below and tell me! (Must be epub.)

I’m not sure what is going on with me lately. I think its because the when the front door got broken, and the screen was there over a weekend were the weather is getting colder and colder. Hey it is almost offically autumn here people! I am coming down with something. That and the random cramps on my left side have gotten me wondering what is going on. Thankfully I have done my homework for the week and turned it in. I’m so tired that I couldn’t even begin to look up life insurance quotes online which I should probably do since the flood happened, I got reminded of my fragile mortality. While I’m at it I should probably remind my father to look up burial insurance at BurialInsurance.org.

It sucks because I have no money to vitamins over the counter or other wise, and if this pain keeps up in my left side I may end up in the ER tonight. Lets hope not. I hate doctors. Ironic I know, since I have to go down to Danville soon (if I can get there) for the nutrition  class for gastric bypass. This is yet another reason for a life insurance quote since gastric bypass is no joke.

This week I’ve had two small victories during this weight loss journey of mine. The first, is that I worked out 5 days in a row, and today I managed to work out for a total of 55 minutes doing Just Dance 2 and Summer Party. My other small victory is because I have to do weekly weigh ins I’ve decided to make Saturday night mine. I’ve lost *drum roll please* 2.3 lbs. I know that this is a rather small victory, but its a victory none the less. I am so excited. In six months I have to loose at least 37 lbs. That’s a 1 lb a week and I’ve already lost a few!

I’ve also learned the value of stretching, muscle cream, and massage settings on the shower! LOL. Ugh tomorrow I have to finish cleaning the bath room, and its the one room that I can’t stand to clean, because its always so much work. And on top of all of that, I need to some how change my shower curtain. The kittens decided they didn’t like the shower curtain, or it had offended them at the very least, and shredded the entire bottom half. I have a spare thankfully, and from now on I am going to make sure its not dangling for the kittens to reach. Imagine my surprise this morning when I got up to shower.

I have some friends that are letting me shoot their engagement pictures and their wedding pictures, I need the practice and they needed a photographer.

Last night Irene reared her ugly head, and here in Bradford County PA, we got a lot of rain, some wind, but other than that we didn’t get much. Sullivan County had a few bridges that washed out, but other than that the worst part of the storm was Comcast failed epically on getting the net, and cable back on.
Today I went down to Danville to see the Doctor about gastric bypass, and everything went well. I have to start as of tomorrow writing down everything that I eat, eat three meals a day, drink water etc. I am so nervous, but so excited. I’m ready to work on this, and I just can’t wait to start loosing the weight.

If you’re currently in a relationship how long have you been dating/married/etc? How did you meet? If you’re not what is your ideal relationship like and what do you look for in a s/o? 

Honestly my ideal relationship would be one built on friendship, honesty and communication. I want to wait until marriage for sex. Not for religious reasons, but because well, I’m tired of men treating me like a sex object. I get on social networking sites to make friends, promote Radio Hybrid, not to be asked for nude pics, cam shows or to have cyber/phone sex with these strange men that are sometimes as old as 60. (My father by the way is 63 gross!) On top of all of that, is that I am a sexual abuse/assault survivor and I want to make damn sure that I’m respected as a person, as a woman, and as someone that could be the mother of their children, before I get naked with them. Waiting also cuts the chances of STD’s and unwanted pregnancy 100% out of the picture.

I basically want to fall in love with my best friend, someone who will accept me all the time and not just some of the time. You can only have sex what 1-2 hours a night? ¹ What are you going to do with the other 22-23 hours of the day? I want someone who is smart, funny, sexy, romantic, likes to cuddle and isn’t afraid to show affection in public, like a quick kiss, hug or hand holding. Someone who isn’t going to be afraid to be seen with me (before and after gastric bypass.)

That’s another thing, gastric bypass is unkind to the human body. Sure it helps you get rid of the weight, but all that excess skin? Not for the faint of heart. I’m ready to go through this journey, and because right now I’m single, and childless, it makes sense to do it now. If they can’t accept ALL of me, then they can’t have me. I have a past and they need to understand that I wasn’t always the good little girl that I have become. I used to be a rebel, a wild child so to speak and I do not want to go through that again.

I also do not want a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater. They need to be happy enough with themselves, and their jobs/future that they can settle down and NOT cheat.

I finally made the call a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of myself an H2T picture (head to toe) and saw how out of control my weight has gotten, for a doctor’s appointment for getting on the road to gastric bypass. I was approve and my starting weight is horrible. Its twenty pounds less then what I was at when I was at my heaviest, but for friends and family I’d like to explain my reasons for wanting this operation.

When I was 12 years old I weighed 136 lbs. I was a size 12 and looked and felt good. I was 12 years old when my depression kicked in. At my age, height and weight, I should weigh 136 lbs NOW, not at 12 years old.  I have 206 lbs to loose to be at that weight again. Will that be the goal weight the doctors and I go over? Maybe not. But that’s still a lot of weight to loose. I’ve tried every diet on the planet, I’ve lost the weight, I got down to 266 lbs before I got hospitalized in 2007 and was put back on medication which made me blow back up to what I am now. Since then, the weight just will not come off. Its gotten to the point where it hurts me to walk further than a few blocks, and the blocks in my town are not NYC blocks, they are small. I am single at this moment and I have no children and this tool would help me now, get back to were I need to be to be healthy. I do have cancer, diabetes, thyroid, etc in my family and I don’t want to be one of those people with type 2 diabetes because of my weight. I may get married and try to have children and my weight actually might have made me infertile. ¹ And right now, I have no one to answer to, but myself. I’m 26, and I refuse to live out the rest of my life wearing mu mu dresses and crying when I need new cloths because nothing fits right. I don’t want to raise children should I have them with an obese mother and have the horrible health choices passed. I want the cycle of self induced shit to stop with me. My sister is thin, she lucked out thankfully. I however am the ‘fluffy’ girl.

I am not using this as an easy fix. I know its not easy. Its taken me two years to reach this choice in my life. I’m ready and willing to work. No questions asked I am willing to full fill my dream of having a body to be proud of. I don’t want the aches and pains and god for bid I do NOT want to be a 20- something that has fibromilgia. That pain disorder is terrible, my mother has it and with out her pain medicine she goes through hell. I want better for myself.  I no longer have a boyfriend who is abusive and controlling telling me that I can’t because he won’t love a woman like that. This is a very hard and very personal choice and I’ve made it in my best interest. I hope everyone understands.