HELLO-KARYN{dot}ORG

Well I just got a phone call that my Aunt is in the hospital for an infection and a kidney stone, so instead of celebrating a day of Thanks, with family, I’m probably going to be worried sick. Not like I wasn’t going to be worried anyway. My wifey, a very dear friend of mine has a son who is very, very sick. His name is Ian and he was born premature and he’s got a hole in his heart, and esophagus and because the food he was being fed was leaking his lungs now have an infection. Oh, that’s not at.. an 18 year old kid that used to hang around the apartment when I lived in another town 22 miles from here called a mutual friend of ours and he’s got stomach cancer. So please, please, please pray for them?
So with that being said, unless I get more bad news, I am thankful for my family, my friends, and for the opportunities that I’ve been able to experience. For music, for photography and for writing.

Well folks, for those of you that are paying attention, Pennsylvania has suddenly turned into Florida with bipolar weather, and rain every time you sneeze. So yes in the areas that are already devastated by flood, its pouring. YAY! *sarcasm* So what am I going to do this rainy day? CLEAN.  My kitchen is very much a disaster and I truly need to buckle down and clean it. After that I am going to try to neaten up the bathroom, the living room, vacuum etc. I’m hoping that my payment comes in for the paid blog posts that I’ve done, because I REALLY could use that money.

I had my interview with the low income housing and now comes the waiting game. So I am putting my time to good use at least. Last night I has such a bad back ache that I took some pain relief medicine and just went to bed. Today I’m eating a banana for breakfast to see if that will help. It was just so weird, it started yesterday while I was at Chinese with my Mother and it started in my left side and just spread.

My poor dog isn’t going to like me after a while, I am going to have to take her out and its raining. I know she’s not going to want to go, but damnit, I’m out of puppy pads and I haven’t been able to order the reusable ones yet. I’m also trying really hard to get rid of all the fruit flies, flies etc that came in when the door was wide open. I can’t believe that door made me feel so insecure! Ok I can it had a screen duct tabled to a door and that was it. Now thankfully there is a board over the hole. MMMM I forgot how good coffee could taste first thing in the morning…

So, this past weekend… it was good, bad and worse. First lets start out with the ugly. It came to the attention of my Step Mother and Father that one of their daughters was bisexual (DUH!) and my Step Mother automatically said, “Oh, that’s sick.” How dare you call me sick because I love differently than you? How dare you judge something you have no idea about, especially about your one of your own ‘kids’.

When I was in high school I was not only going through the Goth phase of my life. But I was struggling with a lot of internal struggles with the fact that I really liked girls, in that way. My best friend S, was out and loving it and for her no one cared. I talked to her a lot about myself and what I was feeling and she turned into my first girlfriend. It was that kind of girl friend where we hung out and held hands. I’ve always hugged my friends so that wasn’t a boundary I had to get over. It wasn’t until I was a sophomore that I met my first lesbian. She was freaking awesome, as was her girlfriend. Everything I saw with them, every thing I felt… it just felt right.

We broke up because I just wasn’t ready to have a girl friend. I was honest with friends and eventually my Mother who accepted me regaurdless. I was harassed in school, that was a given. I was the fat Goth kid with the bad attitude. I tried to be nice to everyone but yet I heard every fat joke known to man, and after I pushed a toe out of the closet I was pushed so far back in…

It started with notes on my locker door, or being left on my desk while I was at the chalk board or in the bathroom. I got Faggot, Dyke etc. I had one kid take my teddy bear key chain and stab and exacto knife through it with a note that said “You’re next you fucking dyke.” Yet the vice principle did nothing because according to her I didn’t deserve it.  It got so bad, that I ended up having a break down and got admitted to ‘The Meadows’. My church members did everything that knew about my sexuality that I was no longer welcome, even thought I was the first one to get the Young Women in Excellence award. I was cast out by most everyone. Or how when I had caught Mono by drinking after a female friend of mine, the looks of disgust when I would say that I caught mono from a female friend of mine (looks of horror) because I drank after her. I’m not complaining because the fakes got out of my life quickly and those that mattered stayed behind.

I didn’t have my first girlfriend until after high school. Sure I’d had intimate one time things with two very good friends of mine, but they weren’t comfortable and stopped talking to me. Guys loved me, girls hated me. I was called a whore because I liked females. I was called greedy and other hateful names.

I sent my Step Mother a text message after this comment and told her to look at her own life before being such a bitch and that what goes on in the sex lives of others is none of her business and how dare she call me sick for loving differently. The text ended with you are no Mother figure of mine, because my real mother would never look at me and say that I was sick. I mean its not like she had to live being afraid to go to school because of these morons. Its not like she lived my life. Just like I can’t judge on how she lived hers. Its her life, and my life is my life.

I’m still a human being. Just because I can choose to have a girl friend or a boy friend because I like both, doesn’t make me greedy or a whore. It makes things complicated and it makes me a target for couples wanting a play mate– when that’s not what I’m looking for.

Members of the LGBT community don’t have it all that easy. I at leave have a choice between the two, I don’t have a choice that I’m attracted to both, but if I wanted to be ‘normal’ I’d date only men.  But I’m not normal. I’m bisexual. Either like it or you don’t, its really none of your business.

And for the haters out there that might mention God to me… Not anywhere in the Bible did it say that a woman can not lay with a woman. But it DID say this:

1	Judge not, that ye be not judged. Matt 7:1

I finally made the call a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of myself an H2T picture (head to toe) and saw how out of control my weight has gotten, for a doctor’s appointment for getting on the road to gastric bypass. I was approve and my starting weight is horrible. Its twenty pounds less then what I was at when I was at my heaviest, but for friends and family I’d like to explain my reasons for wanting this operation.

When I was 12 years old I weighed 136 lbs. I was a size 12 and looked and felt good. I was 12 years old when my depression kicked in. At my age, height and weight, I should weigh 136 lbs NOW, not at 12 years old.  I have 206 lbs to loose to be at that weight again. Will that be the goal weight the doctors and I go over? Maybe not. But that’s still a lot of weight to loose. I’ve tried every diet on the planet, I’ve lost the weight, I got down to 266 lbs before I got hospitalized in 2007 and was put back on medication which made me blow back up to what I am now. Since then, the weight just will not come off. Its gotten to the point where it hurts me to walk further than a few blocks, and the blocks in my town are not NYC blocks, they are small. I am single at this moment and I have no children and this tool would help me now, get back to were I need to be to be healthy. I do have cancer, diabetes, thyroid, etc in my family and I don’t want to be one of those people with type 2 diabetes because of my weight. I may get married and try to have children and my weight actually might have made me infertile. ¹ And right now, I have no one to answer to, but myself. I’m 26, and I refuse to live out the rest of my life wearing mu mu dresses and crying when I need new cloths because nothing fits right. I don’t want to raise children should I have them with an obese mother and have the horrible health choices passed. I want the cycle of self induced shit to stop with me. My sister is thin, she lucked out thankfully. I however am the ‘fluffy’ girl.

I am not using this as an easy fix. I know its not easy. Its taken me two years to reach this choice in my life. I’m ready and willing to work. No questions asked I am willing to full fill my dream of having a body to be proud of. I don’t want the aches and pains and god for bid I do NOT want to be a 20- something that has fibromilgia. That pain disorder is terrible, my mother has it and with out her pain medicine she goes through hell. I want better for myself.  I no longer have a boyfriend who is abusive and controlling telling me that I can’t because he won’t love a woman like that. This is a very hard and very personal choice and I’ve made it in my best interest. I hope everyone understands.