At 1:30 pm today I’ll be going in for surgery, and I couldn’t be happier. Or more scared. I think deep down the reason I haven’t packed yet is because I was scared. Scared of the surgery itself, the pain the will surely follow, but in the end I know that this is what’s best for me and my life. I just hope with out a doubt that it won’t be too bad and I’ll bounce back quickly. With no complication. Well time to get off here and get things together for the 2.5 hour trip… and prying my sister out of bed…

I really feel that I should clarify that this is NOT EASY. And that people looking for an easy way out, should probably not consider gastric bypass. Its a hard lesson to refuse years of self abuse, carb cravings and sweet binges. Its hard to say that I want a nice meal out and not be able too because you’re not eating like that any more.

Its hard to look back and realize that while all of this time you’re hiding behind your weight, because of some reason or another… (fat people are harder to kidnap.) .. you’re missing out on life. Living is one of the hardest things to do in this world. (thank you Buffy.) I go by the fast food and restaurants around here and I sniff, pout and move on. I know that the food is bad for me, I know that its terrible and will go strait to my ass… but it tastes good and is generally cheaper than clean, healthy cooking. That’s sad. I can get a bag of doritos for $4 and a can of cheese salsa for $3 and have that for a meal rather then spend $5-10 on a healthy meal. I know you can do it, but its hard…

So I started this mantra that I learned while pledging AST. One of the sisters would ask you:

Are you motivated?

“MOTIVATED, MOTIVATED, DOWN RIGHT MOTIVATED, YOU CHECK ME OUT, YOU CHECK ME OUT HUUURAH!”

And this has been going through my head a lot since I’ve been feeling down about my strength in all of this. I seriously thought the other day that I would cancel the surgery continue with the gym, as long as I could get a fucking hoagie. I called my sister instead, [1.Ok I dialed my mother's phone number but she answered.] and talked to her and she’s told me flat out, “You’ve been wanting this for SO long, and you’re really going to throw it away for a hoagie? I know you’re afraid, but you’ve got this.”

Who says little sister’s don’t have some gems of encouragement? I went to the store and I bought a lot of sugar free pudding, rice pudding, cottage cheese in low fat, and came home and ate a small meal of cottage cheese and a pudding. (Boston Creme pie sugar free 60 cal ftw) and I read. I’ve been reading a lot and in fact while looking for 50 shades of grey everyone is rambling on about- I downloaded about 1000 books for my nook to read. Right now I’m reading the Sweep series, which is about a blood witch named Morgan who discovers she’s a witch, adopted and shenanigans ensue. The books aren’t long but they are good, and fast reads too. So I’ve been keeping busy. Hell I even broke out my Lego Pirates of the Caribbean game I bought but haven’t played yet.

I’ve also been playing W.o.W. going to Zumba and just generally enjoying life.

Oh and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Mama’s, TTC, or Mama’s to be.

I’m ready. I can’t wait. I’m ready to see more results. I’m done with having an unhealthy life. I’ve also made a few choices when it comes to my future children.

Pagan homeschooling is one. I want my children to live in nature, and with nature- in harmony.

No fast food, junk food, high sugar content anything. I’ll be reading labels for them like I do for me.

No TV. I’m thinking that by limiting the media’s influence might help them raise their self esteem.

Sports activity is a must. They will chose an activity that’s active and one that’s creative. If they want to take on hiking that’s fine. As long as they are active. I don’t want my future children to be bullied like I was.

Well its off here for me. My rambling is enough for one day!

15 days of liquid diet… oh well I can do it. I know I can.

The service of this company is crap. You’re on hold a lot, their representatives are dishonest. Why dishonest? Because I’m not stupid, I asked when I signed up how much a month it would cost, if there could be a block put on the the device to turn off roaming. I was told several times that it would happen. Yet every month on the bill there is roaming charges. Every.Single.Month.

I’ve had it. I’ve asked to get out of the 2 year agreement due to false advertisement with no fee, no they want the fee paid before they turn off the survice. I tell them that I have no choice I am turning them into the BBB, they say that’s fine.

Last night I was on the phone with them for, 4 hours. FOUR HOURS! They kept transferring me to the wrong department, or they’d put me on hold and I’d end up at the main menu getting a representative only to start the process over again- or to be hung up on, then repeat the process. I was told again last night the same line the used before. Only to find out today that the honest truth was far from the line.

I would give this company a 2 of 5 starts. They are not an honest company, I’ve had nothing but problems with the wifi department. The rest of the service is fine, but expensive. And if you downgrade, they try to get you to upgrade as soon as you can. Epic Fail.

I can’t believe its less than a month till my surgery! It kind of blows my mind. However, I ate something that disagreed with me today and it caused gas and instant bloat, not fun. Tomorrow I have a personal trainer sesson again since I had to miss last weeks. This one is at 9:30 (instead of the 7:30 am one on Wednesdays) so I hopefully will be able to get it taken care of then go to Zumba tomorrow night. I literally have to build myself back up to working out every single day. I was doing great until Grandpa died.

I’ve been reading this fantastic book by Sherri Shepard called ‘Permission Slips’ I highly recommend it to any women married, single, children or none. Its a good book about giving yourself a break and not being so hard on yourself.  I’ve taken a lot of what I’ve read into consideration since Grandpa’s passing. Instead of freaking out over my lack of going to the gym daily, I’ve given myself a break and forgiven that.

I also died my hair. Let me tell you about the new Garnier Frutise line of hair dye. They are all supposed to be on a minium of 10 min. My hair is resistant, even if its stripped, bleached and blond. (or in this case, blond, red, purple and one or two strips of hot pink) so I left it on for an hour. Hair dyes will not damage your hair if they are on that long, you probably will run into the dye looking black because it stopped processing. I thought my hair was black it was so dark. I had to touch up a few spots but other than that it’s all even now. But my hair was supposed to be a light auburn. Its a deep ruby red. I love it, I just have to laugh at the color change.

I’ve also been playing W.o.W. again. I got a three month card and made a blood elf hunter that’s now nearly a lvl 10.  What can I say? I love it!

I’m handling things as they come and am doing rather well in handling the sorrow and anger that comes. I just hope I continue to be good with this, rather than bottle it up.

Come one what are you waiting for? There’s many more promotions to be had. GO!