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So after the holiday weekend, and recovering from a rather nasty cold- I decided that as cold as it is today I am going to push myself to get things done. So I  got up had a cup of coffee and met my father outside to talk to him, he had some goodies for me. Now I am relaxing for a few minutes before I get started on the bedroom disaster. I also did a 30 min work out alternating 5 min walking and 5 min running. It was a lot of fun. I am feeling really good now.

The rest of my day is going to be spent crocheting and generally just cleaning up the bedroom etc, etc. While I’m taking the brake to work on my blanket I am watching Lemonade Mouth. I know lame, but its actually a good movie. I really enjoy the sound track for the movie, but then again I’m a sucker for musical type movies.

Other than that its been a pretty boring, cold, miserable day. YAY for stuffed peppers for dinner.

Jenn has inspired me as of three months ago, to make my appointment for gastric bypass, her progress is amazing! And I got off my ass to make the appointment with my physician. I did, he said that I not only qualified, he was going to talk to me about it anyway.
Three months ago, I weighed 341 lbs. Today I weigh 332.8 that’s a total of 8 lbs lost! That’s 8 lbs towards my goal of 37 lbs before surgery. I was so scared that I was going to be kicked out of the program, because I’d gained weight, instead of loosing it. I’ve been struggling a lot this month with various emotional things and when I began the like 4 minute weight for the digital scale to do the two beeps, I told the scale we’d have issues if it showed I’d gained weight.

When it flashed the number, I blanked. I got to speak to the doctor and he congratulated me on the job well done, that out of the group of 9 I’ve lost the most weight so far. I’m so proud of myself. So I graduated from the blue folder to the white three ring binder and am on my way towards the written exam, the other meetings, and eventually the life change, of gastric bypass.

I am terrified, excited and scared all at once.

Start Weight 340
Current Weight 332

Today in America, its labor day. Well today was also my appointment to get into the low income housing, and I really wanted to get this over with because then I’d need a move in date, start packing, figure out who’s going to take over my lease etc.  The appointment was going to be last Friday but I’ve been having problems with my depakote and am right now refusing to take it, because I don’t feel right on it, and have been having panic attacks on it. So I couldn’t miss my Friday’s counseling appointment to let her know what was going on. So the woman I talked to said to be there today at 1. Dad and I went up, got into a little tiff because he, I think, expects me to have all the answers as to my sister’s recent life move, and I don’t, and have told him that time and time again.

So anyways, we get up there, after hitting up Walmart really fast to find me an either net cord for my desk top computer to be online, (I swear they should start selling them with the desktop!)  and ended up being there 15 minutes early only to find out that they don’t ever come in on a holiday and that I would have to call tomorrow, to reschedule. Dad said that if it is tomorrow he would give me the bus money because he’s going to be out of town with another apointment, and won’t be able to take me.

I’m kind of disapointed because I could have spent the morning working out, working, doing school work, etc. Now because I woke up super early, I am so freaking tired, and because its rainy outside, I’m thinking a nap might be in order. I really want to go through the other closet at some point in the near future because I know that it needs to be done and reorganized, as does the other closet, but right now I have zero energy, and just want a nap.

I haven’t gotten my multi vitamin yet, and I’m wondering if I should get prenatal vitamins for the extra boost of vitamins, or if I should just get something like Flintstones. GAH! I have my list of things to do for the first month and I am going to start doing them, besides the diet that is, tomorrow. Because today, feels like a Sunday, and with it being all rainy and icky, just doesn’t bode well for the concentration factor.

This week I’ve had two small victories during this weight loss journey of mine. The first, is that I worked out 5 days in a row, and today I managed to work out for a total of 55 minutes doing Just Dance 2 and Summer Party. My other small victory is because I have to do weekly weigh ins I’ve decided to make Saturday night mine. I’ve lost *drum roll please* 2.3 lbs. I know that this is a rather small victory, but its a victory none the less. I am so excited. In six months I have to loose at least 37 lbs. That’s a 1 lb a week and I’ve already lost a few!

I’ve also learned the value of stretching, muscle cream, and massage settings on the shower! LOL. Ugh tomorrow I have to finish cleaning the bath room, and its the one room that I can’t stand to clean, because its always so much work. And on top of all of that, I need to some how change my shower curtain. The kittens decided they didn’t like the shower curtain, or it had offended them at the very least, and shredded the entire bottom half. I have a spare thankfully, and from now on I am going to make sure its not dangling for the kittens to reach. Imagine my surprise this morning when I got up to shower.

I have some friends that are letting me shoot their engagement pictures and their wedding pictures, I need the practice and they needed a photographer.

Yesterday I did my first full 35 minute work out in FOREVER. I felt so good about myself that I couldn’t help but lavish myself in a chocolate treat. But I’m afraid I’ve caught the work out bug. I can not wait until I get home from counseling, nom on a yogurt and then clear the area for JUST DANCE. I’m seriously thinking about nabbing Just Dance 2 from my little sister so that way I can get more of a work out in, because if I remember correctly they have a work out section. All day yesterday I was looking forward to working out the next time. I’d had this fear of it being really hard because of the weight I’m at now, and because of my asthma but it really wasn’t, it was FUN. I totally enjoyed dancing around working up a sweat (especially to Eye of the Tiger.) But I didn’t wake up in time for a work out before counseling. So work out after counseling it is!
After my work out I plan on hitting the books hard. I have to research my heroes in the Creative Writing for Entertainment field and I have three. Constance Burge, Joss Whedon, and Jonathan Larson. If you know anything about their works, congrats you have good taste.
August 18th is approaching and for that I am thankful. Its also FOOD WEEK! WOOO! I get to go get food this Wednesday and I fully plan on stocking up on more healthy things to eat. Last night I made enough for food for today considering how busy I’d planned on keeping myself. I made chicken breast (boneless and skinless) with cut up green peppers, mushrooms, onions, potato (cut into squares) and carrots in Italian Dressing (the low fat kind from Aldi’s) into a make shit foil dinner in the oven. Once it came out I poured taco sauce on it and OMG! It was so yummy! I made two and this time I am going to take out the chicken and cut it up better like maybe strips? I’m not sure. But besides yogurt that’s what I’ll be eat. I have a 32 oz mug that I am going to fill with water and keep by my desk so I keep drinking water. I’ve had one cup of coffee today and made sure I used a lot less sugar than normal. So far I am proud of my commitment level on my weight loss. I’m still craving Chinese, but I’ll get over it.
I had always been told that once I made peace with my past and accepted it, and moved on from it that everything else would just fall into place and I’d always thought they were full of shit. But I did. I’ve really come to a peace that everything is going to be alright. I still feel anxiety but I know its temporary. I’m not suddenly cured and will have bad days, but I just feel better about dealing with them.
So here’s to a Manic Monday!

I finally made the call a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of myself an H2T picture (head to toe) and saw how out of control my weight has gotten, for a doctor’s appointment for getting on the road to gastric bypass. I was approve and my starting weight is horrible. Its twenty pounds less then what I was at when I was at my heaviest, but for friends and family I’d like to explain my reasons for wanting this operation.

When I was 12 years old I weighed 136 lbs. I was a size 12 and looked and felt good. I was 12 years old when my depression kicked in. At my age, height and weight, I should weigh 136 lbs NOW, not at 12 years old.  I have 206 lbs to loose to be at that weight again. Will that be the goal weight the doctors and I go over? Maybe not. But that’s still a lot of weight to loose. I’ve tried every diet on the planet, I’ve lost the weight, I got down to 266 lbs before I got hospitalized in 2007 and was put back on medication which made me blow back up to what I am now. Since then, the weight just will not come off. Its gotten to the point where it hurts me to walk further than a few blocks, and the blocks in my town are not NYC blocks, they are small. I am single at this moment and I have no children and this tool would help me now, get back to were I need to be to be healthy. I do have cancer, diabetes, thyroid, etc in my family and I don’t want to be one of those people with type 2 diabetes because of my weight. I may get married and try to have children and my weight actually might have made me infertile. ¹ And right now, I have no one to answer to, but myself. I’m 26, and I refuse to live out the rest of my life wearing mu mu dresses and crying when I need new cloths because nothing fits right. I don’t want to raise children should I have them with an obese mother and have the horrible health choices passed. I want the cycle of self induced shit to stop with me. My sister is thin, she lucked out thankfully. I however am the ‘fluffy’ girl.

I am not using this as an easy fix. I know its not easy. Its taken me two years to reach this choice in my life. I’m ready and willing to work. No questions asked I am willing to full fill my dream of having a body to be proud of. I don’t want the aches and pains and god for bid I do NOT want to be a 20- something that has fibromilgia. That pain disorder is terrible, my mother has it and with out her pain medicine she goes through hell. I want better for myself.  I no longer have a boyfriend who is abusive and controlling telling me that I can’t because he won’t love a woman like that. This is a very hard and very personal choice and I’ve made it in my best interest. I hope everyone understands.

These past few days I have been on the go, constantly just to get a head. Now my kitchen is severely lacking in the attention department, however I am happy, and I’m sore. I have lost enough weight to go down two shirt sizes and I can feel my collar bones. They aren’t showing but I can feel them, and I am just so happy. The sunshine is helping so much with my depression. My allergies are kind of kicking my ass. But its all good.

A lot of my problems is that I need an instant solution, like right now.I don’t like to wait for things, and with weight loss, its the same thing. However I am learning my limits and starting small to work towards something big.  So I got the Ninento Wii.  I have the Wii Sports, as well as Just Dance 1 and 2 and once I get to the point where I’m low enough weight to do Wii Fit I’m going to do that as well. I also have an excerize bike my father is bringing down so I can start doing that as well. After what I saw in the windows at the local weekender college, I was so not happy with myself.

I’ve been working now for three weeks. Because its in a factory I tend to NOT shower until after work. I had to leave early on Monday and misses Tuesday because of a double ear infection that kicked my ass. Went back Wednesday for work and the Christmas party which was nice.  But I’ve noticed that I was so sluggish yesterday at work. I usually am when I don’t shower before work. Today I said screw it I am going to shower, and I sat in there and scrubbed my face, etc. I can’t believe the difference on how much better I FEEL. I’ve never noticed the difference until I got out of the shower this time.

My sister and I are doing a huge weight loss journey together mine will be on here categorized under weight loss. I will be posting recipes and how to guides and I’m sure she will be as well. I’ve noticed that I adore cooking and baking and to be able to do it in a healthy way makes me very happy.

I get to see my boyfriend this weekend so I’m super excited about that,we are getting to be playful again with each other and that makes me happy.  He’s always been a really good friend of mine and considering I’ve known him for eleven years, he knows more about me than most people. He is one of two men that can listen to the way I saw hello or the way I talk and know that I’m depressed or pissed off.  It’s so weird that I almost gave up on him. I’m SO glad that I didn’t our love story is a rocky one. But damn its worth it.