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Lately, ok for the past several months I’ve been trying to keep nail polish on my fingers and my fingers manicured. Why you ask? I have this terrible habit of picking at my nails, hang nails etc. SO I have 1100 hours of cosmetology right? So why not use it! My nails are not long and painted (for the moment.) in Renee the latest Julep Maven box color I got. I adore it, its a really soft, pretty lilac color.  So while my nails dry I am writing up this blog entry, then its back to cleaning.

I can’t believe its less than a month till my surgery! It kind of blows my mind. However, I ate something that disagreed with me today and it caused gas and instant bloat, not fun. Tomorrow I have a personal trainer sesson again since I had to miss last weeks. This one is at 9:30 (instead of the 7:30 am one on Wednesdays) so I hopefully will be able to get it taken care of then go to Zumba tomorrow night. I literally have to build myself back up to working out every single day. I was doing great until Grandpa died.

I’ve been reading this fantastic book by Sherri Shepard called ‘Permission Slips’ I highly recommend it to any women married, single, children or none. Its a good book about giving yourself a break and not being so hard on yourself.  I’ve taken a lot of what I’ve read into consideration since Grandpa’s passing. Instead of freaking out over my lack of going to the gym daily, I’ve given myself a break and forgiven that.

I also died my hair. Let me tell you about the new Garnier Frutise line of hair dye. They are all supposed to be on a minium of 10 min. My hair is resistant, even if its stripped, bleached and blond. (or in this case, blond, red, purple and one or two strips of hot pink) so I left it on for an hour. Hair dyes will not damage your hair if they are on that long, you probably will run into the dye looking black because it stopped processing. I thought my hair was black it was so dark. I had to touch up a few spots but other than that it’s all even now. But my hair was supposed to be a light auburn. Its a deep ruby red. I love it, I just have to laugh at the color change.

I’ve also been playing W.o.W. again. I got a three month card and made a blood elf hunter that’s now nearly a lvl 10.  What can I say? I love it!

I still can’t believe that my surgery date is a month away! It blows my mind. 6 months ago I was starting on this journey, 30 lbs bigger and was thinking that this date would take forever to get. And in reality that time blinked by. All of the fears that I’d had about not being strong enough to do this, to see this through is now a silly concept to me. I’ve been tested, a lot, in this past  6 months and I am getting to know my body, and what it could be in the future, and I can’t wait. Its like for the first time in my life, I have hope, and I have a drive for something smaller and better. I know that sounds so strange, but I feel like for the first time in my life, since I’ve always been a heavy child, that I can beat this. That maybe one day I’ll be able to fit into my sister’s cloths. That I’ll be able to shop in the normal section of the store.

I did Zumba last night again, and this time was harder for me for some reason, probably because of driving all day. But I did it, and it was awesome! I get to really think hard when I do Zumba, my mind clears and everything in my life just becomes so clear. And I am at peace with my life and the things that were bothering me don’t any longer.I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and while a lot of these thoughts are private, I do want to mention that being a strong and independent woman is never, ever a bad thing. EVER! I spent so much of my life being the ‘fat’ girl to the really fat girl, to the one that guys ‘take one for the team’ for. (Which I hate btw. Guys knock it off!) And with that trying to please everyone to make people like me, to the I’m going to be funny because its just how much the jokes hurt…. I didn’t really get to know the potential that I had as a woman. And now? Hell now I’m getting glimmers here and there and its beautiful!

Well I’m going to finish my breakfast and then get to cleaning and organizing. (ugh)

I woke up today and decided, er, well, needed to do laundry. Which I did. Then I came back upstairs ate lunch and waiting for about an hour and a half then got dressed and headed to the gym. I was there for an hour and  hopped on the treadmill and did that for 45 minutes which was fun because I had my ipod and nook this time, then I did some strength training doing ab crunches, etc. I came home and I was so tired, because I pushed myself so much that I came home and passed out on the couch for 3 and a half hours. It was kind of bad for me to have done that because I do need to work on some homework but apparently I needed the sleep.

My dog even passed out with me. It was kind of bad. Now I’m torn as to what I want for dinner. Should I take the money and get a few things from the store? Or should I just whip up something here? Oh the choices… Hmmmm. I’m kind of craving Stromboli which is weird.

8 months ago I started the journey of weight loss, life changes and gastric bypass. #Gastricbypass was my only hope to become the thin person I had inside of me because I didn’t have the strength to keep yo-to dieting. I can’t believe that this pre-op journey is almost at a close, but it is. As of April 3 I will be going to my surgical consult and hopefully getting my surgery date.

It hasn’t been easy. I nearly threw in the towel around Christmas time with all of the added stress of the holiday season, but that passed and I got back on track, I nearly gave up during the three week long liquid fast that I was on, cried to my mother so many times I’m sure she got fed up with me about how hungry I was. I was look at food like normal people look at porn. It was bad.  One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do diet wise.

Now in a few short weeks I will be sitting in the office for consult for my surgery team. I’ll get my date and have to prepare for that as well. I can’t wait to take the next steps into my journey. There’s so much that is going on inside me that I just almost can’t grasp. I know that I can do this and that I have come so far. I can’t believe how far I have yet to go but I’ll have the tools do it, and never go back to this place again. I’m moving forward and for that I am so happy. Soon I’ll be able to really move on with my life and be happier than I’ve ever been.

I took some photos of the dried roses that M bought me on the last date.

So on Friday after a three week long liquid fast [1.Doctor ordered, I assure you.] I went down to Danville like a good little girl and surpassed my goal weight of 311 by 1 lb. I got up on that scale and it read 310.0 I jumped for joy knew that I’d made my goal. I was given the go ahead that letters would be written and if I don’t hear from my surgical team in three weeks I have to call back. SOON I should be able to have my appointment.

When I got home I was there long enough to walk the dog, take a shower, straiten my hair, do my make up get dressed and get ready for my date.

 I was met at the meeting place with these beautiful flowers. They smell so good and some of them were drooping so I began the drying process on the ones that were not doing all that well, but they still make me smile. Nothing was good on at the movies so we went to the chinese buffet in town and sat and ate. There I saw my niece and brother in law and excused myself to say hello because family is everything to me. I got hugs and quick updates before I went back to my date M. Then we went to k-mart and walked around looking at different things  talking about music and what our favorites were.

I sold my xbox 360 the other day and I paid a few bills and put food in my apartment since I had nothing because of the liquid diet. I also treated myself to hair dye since everything I got for this week was on sale and did a very, very good job getting everything.

 I bleached my hair to a yellow color, then used the purple SPLAT hair dye and separated my bangs and put the dye on the rest of my hair and let it sit. This is what it looked like today. Holy effing purple! I adore it. My favorite color is purple and I’ve been dying to get a purple that worked. I couldn’t get Manic Panic because the closest hot topic is an hour away. M loves it I posted a few pictures on facebook already.

I’ve also been playing around with my DSLR a bit today and I’ve noticed that I can’t do macro shots for crap on either of my lenses, and I used to be able to. I’m going to have to play around with that later. I’m still slowly organizing my house, but I do have my car in my possession, I just need to get it inspected. Minor repairs are needed. But they are being taken care of.

I’m also working on several new projects for school, which I’m really excited about. I’m going to have to basically take a notebook with me everywhere the next few days. And I’ve already gotten one I’m going to start writing this by hand to see where this goes, so that way its something portable. And less expensive to loose than a lap top.

I’m also going out with M again next Sunday.

Today, thankfully, I got to talk to my advocate with the IRS and have a check list of things to do. I get paid tonight at midnight -thankfully- so I can get time on my phone. That and pay my bills. Friday I have an appointment in Danville for another #gastricbypass weigh in. I am supposed to be down to 311 and I think I’m with in a few pounds of that according to their scales.  I’ll be off this liquid diet as of Friday and Friday night I have dinner with M. Then over this weekend I have reading to do, an apartment to clean and organize. I’m finally [1.Read getting rid off all the old junk.] organizing the closet so I can have that back. Oh and I have to stop at a dollar store tomorrow to pick up a temp mom because both my steam mop (shark) and my snap together mop broke. And I don’t want to get down on my hands and knees to scrub the floor.

So I woke up yesterday in a semi good mood albeit rather anxiety ridden (lately what else is new?) and I got ready for my day, walked the dog, checked the mail.. and that’s where the good mood ended and the rage set in. I got a letter from the IRS saying that because I’ve e-filed that they have to review my taxes and that they could deny my return. ?! I NEED that money. I need that money to pay bills, put food in my house, get some things for my car. So I spent 30 minutes on the phone on hold to have a total of a ten minute conversation to get a referral for the tax advocacy program because of my financial need. Then after that it was just down hill from there. I ran out of milk so the slim fast shakes were out, I ran out of soups. I ended up calling my father and asking him in tears to either take me to a church up here that gives out food, or let me borrow some money. He took me to wal-mart and let me get the things I needed. Soups, apples, and bannas, and some cottage cheese. I thanked him and came back upstairs and just laid on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy from season 1 because that is all I could bring myself to do.

Today my best friend is over and we are getting ready to go to the bar, showered, hair semi straitened… and now I’m waiting until 11:30 to go get my mail because I am getting a package today from a very sweet gentlemen that I’ve been talking too for awhile now.  And sadly there are people in my apartment building that steel people’s packages and claim them for their own. >.<

Other than that its nothing new on this front. Just chilling out and getting all prettified.

So yesterday I wake up to a message from my Aunt saying that she needed my phone number because she needed to talk to me about something. I went ahead and gave her my phone number and she called right away. This never bodes well for someone like me who’s already anxiety ridden because of a three week long liquid diet (lets hear it for week one being over!!) However, it was good news. I was pacing the floor as she explained to me that she and my uncle had started a savings account for me years ago to help with college. Because of my disability I get a lot of money in Pell grants, and because I’m also living off campus, on my own I don’t have to pay for that either. So she said that she’d done a lot of praying and that she felt it would be best to help me pay off the car and get insurance on it. I was happily floored and gave her the guy’s information for her to call him to set up arrangements.

I also sent him a message on facebook, to which he replies back that if he can’t get the money in person then the entire thing will be canceled and the car will go up for sale. I reminded him that I did put a deposit on the car and I’d hate for him to go to all the trouble to refund me back the $375 deposit when I need and want this car. He was a bit less snippy afterward but I did tell him that by Tuesday or Wednesday the car would be paid for and I expected it to be in my name and in my possession to drive. I haven’t heard anything back from him, but since he works at the local Wal*Mart I didn’t expect one tonight.

So hopefully this saga of the car will end and I will have my baby home with me. I am so excited about this because if I need to go to the store for whatever reason I’ll no longer have to wait for a bus to get there. Not kidding I went to Wal*Mart at 11 am one day to get two money orders and stock up on house hold cleaning supplies and I was done by noon and didn’t get picked up  by the bus until 3:30 pm and didn’t make it home until 3:45 pm.  One day I was visiting my mother 14 miles away from where I live and I got picked up at 1:45 pm and didn’t make it through my front door until 3:50pm. Thank you Nook Color and Ipod! So I’m going to get a grocery list, and very, very carefully do a menu plan for the month so I can eat healthy once I’m off the liquid diet. One of the things I really want to get is at home chinese dishes like beef and broccoli and pot stickers etc.

Today I’ve felt icky all day on top of trying to figure out the car situation which should be solved rather soon. And suddenly I’ve started to feel very sick to my stomach. So I think its time for me to get off of here and go lay down before I end up getting really sick all over the keyboard.

Yesterday I started a two and a half week liquid fast (doctor’s orders) to get this extra weight off. I am DONE with my 6 months of pre-op processing but I’ve had a set back with the weight loss turning into weight gain because of stress, and grazing too much and then on top of that I was very sick. When I get an URI I can’t breath well enough to do hard cord work outs, or even dancing like I can when I’m not sick and that became a huge problem. So I have an appointment in March and as of right now I am on three shakes a day, working out as normal, lots and lots of water and when I can substitute a shake for soup or soup at hand. So basically I am at a stage 2 diet for the time being. It kind of sucked yesterday because S and B went to get food out at a fast food place and I just had to drink more water. And I just had to tell myself that the one weighs more than I do and is struggling with the weight just like I am, and is doing it with just diet and work outs, yet its her choice to go to fast food places while I’m suffering now, I can enjoy life later on. The other one is one of those lucky bitches that is high metabolism friendly.

One thing that I’m afraid will happen is after I loose the weight I’m going to turn into one of those skinny anti fat bitches. I know that sounds aweful but its true. I don’t fine anything attractive about being big, I know the pain of trying to go cloths shopping but because I’m short and round I tend to leave the store with nothing but tears. I know what its like to be bullied, and will never turn into one of them, however I will be firm when it comes to my life’s choices and make people understand that I will not accept anyone living in the fat life style and will never go back to it. If I am going through this entire process I will succeed.

Well folks its the week of the full moon, as most Wiccans know that this is a great surge of power/energy for us. This week has been rough in the sleep department. I got my CPAP and then the first two nights of using it, I realized that something was wrong, it hurt, a lot. I have a sinus infection. Wonderful. I know I’ve been fighting a cold and that my breathing wasn’t alright, and colds come with headaches… and until I had that CPAP on I didn’t know it was so bad. While I am feeling better and did manage to do a 60 min work out doing 30 mins of hip hop dance work out, and 30 minutes of P90x ¹

Now I am getting ready to head out to Danville, for my doctor’s appointment for gastric bypass. And I am going to have to explain that I’ve been fighting this cold for about a month… yuck. Oh well its all good. I am getting off here (more later) to go wait for my father.