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One of the things that I am working on is getting my feelings out. To understand and accept them as they come. With that being said, its a lot harder than you’d think.   I’ve spent most of my life running from my feelings, running from people that care about me and love me and especially conflicts. I’ve realized that I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot more to just let go of.

I’m handling things as they come and am doing rather well in handling the sorrow and anger that comes. I just hope I continue to be good with this, rather than bottle it up.

Saying goodbye is hard, harder than you could imagine. My Grandfather died on Monday. I blogged about it, but what I didn’t blog about was how the grieving process isn’t exactly a process. There were moments I’d be in denial expecting it to be a joke-although I knew it wasn’t a joke. I would get into these rages where the world, God, and everything was unfair for letting my 86 year old Grandfather, the strong independent man grow old and die. Then I would have the numb. The incredible mind silencing numb. I’d come to points where I’d understand that I made my goodbyes a long time ago when my Grandfather began to slowly loose his mind, and forgot that we even existed.

The funeral was today, I’d never been to an in cemetery, grave site cemetery.  I was 4 years old when my Grandmother died, his wife and because of this I was allowed to go to the service-which was held at the community funeral home. This was my first death and my first experience seeing crosses. Being LDS and not believing in a symbol of death and a living God… this disturbed me and I’ve had a dislike for crosses ever since. To me crosses literally mean death. Anyway. I saw the casket-closed- and lost it. There were roses and gladiolus my Grandparent’s favorite flowers. Except the roses weren’t pink they were red. Grandma’s roses were pink. Various shades of pink but pink. Glads weren’t in season so they found beautiful silk flowers that the grandchildren got to keep. My cousin was a champ. She handled herself with a grace that I could not. I snot cried-hard. I saw the photo of my grandparents, in love and happy and lost it. My Grandfather was a World War II vet, worked on the Lackawana rail road and loved to cook. He helped to build the house my parents built when I was 11. In his 70′s he was chopping wood, and helping to build the house, dig the ditches. And giving my little sister wheel borrow rides. The running joke was that man could make magic with an ax, a pick and a wheel borrow.

While ever fiber of my body hurts from sobbing, I pulled myself together and went to the lunch. I had almost wanted to come home but my Aunty is kind of a scary woman (in a good way) and I dared not to skip it. So I went, and actually had a good time listening to the stories about my Dad and Uncle growing up and how my Grandfather was before he hurt his back on the rail road. I ate well and didn’t over eat, although I did have desert which I shared with my mother. (A Rockie road cake-better in theory.) My sister had her boyfriend there and he interacted well with everyone and comforted Sami.

Seeing my Grandparents like that old, happy and in love, made me want that for myself. I want to be able to get healthy and am doing so for my future children, and grand children and if luck would have it great grand children.  I am determined to do everything I can to make this happen.

Anyway, we went to the dinner and my sister looked lost, I told her to try the Chicken Monterrey, which is a grilled chicken with french dressing. She LOVED it. My cousin was cute, and boy is she smart. I drew a gladiolus in memory of my Grandfather and my Aunt had it printed out and we put it on one of the tables. My cousin also put together a time line of Grandpa’s life and my Grandmother and my little sister look so freaking much alike at that age I tried to get a side by side shot but it was blurry. I couldn’t believe the similarities. I also couldn’t believe some of the stories that I heard, and I will treasure them forever.

I’ve always been close to my family and I hope to reconnect with them better than I have in the past. I just hope I keep up the recovery and grieving and not bottle it up.

I woke up today and decided, er, well, needed to do laundry. Which I did. Then I came back upstairs ate lunch and waiting for about an hour and a half then got dressed and headed to the gym. I was there for an hour and  hopped on the treadmill and did that for 45 minutes which was fun because I had my ipod and nook this time, then I did some strength training doing ab crunches, etc. I came home and I was so tired, because I pushed myself so much that I came home and passed out on the couch for 3 and a half hours. It was kind of bad for me to have done that because I do need to work on some homework but apparently I needed the sleep.

My dog even passed out with me. It was kind of bad. Now I’m torn as to what I want for dinner. Should I take the money and get a few things from the store? Or should I just whip up something here? Oh the choices… Hmmmm. I’m kind of craving Stromboli which is weird.

A school assignment for me is to write down 3 things that I am thankful for that day. I’m using my blog to pass this around, and to make it a more public, Thank you. I feel that this is important to proceed with the New Year’s change that everyone has in mind. I want to be more grateful, and while that is not a resolution (I believe that New Year’s resolutions are doomed to fail. The hype fades and then people’s motivation deflates.) Since I’m taking on rather large life changes. I want to make the personality changes that are going to apart of that change, the best I can. [1.Thus making me the best me, I can make.] So with out further ado:

1. Today I am grateful and amazing team of doctors that I’m working with in the bariactric department. I didn’t do as well in the weight loss department, in fact to be perfectly honest-thus holding myself accountable. This the holiday stress, the fact that my body has finally woken up and started it’s period again.  And I still got an I’m proud of you, lets work out how to fix this.

2. I’m grateful for old friends and new. I’ve reconnected with my friend S and he introduced me to B and through this friendship I’ve learned how nice it is to have true friends. And the amount of times I’ve completely lost it laughing is nuts. But nice.

3. I’m thankful for people that are willing to help out others. Today I was given a ride by someone who didn’t have to take me 2 hours away for my doctor’s/support group meeting. But they did.

As one of the conditions for the pdoc’s green light, I had to make an appointment with the local pdoc. Well today is the day. I’m up which sucks because for the first time in a long time I was actually sleeping really well.  Today is also the first day of a week long liquid fast. I am still at 319.3 and damnit I will loose those 8 lbs! I haven’t been as strict since like mid-December with my eating habits, well, I paid for it. I didn’t exactly over do it, but I didn’t make the wisest choices. So Slim Fast French Vanilla 3-2-1 shake for breakfast, I have the protein shot (which I’m terrified to take thanks to Jillian Michel’s whey protein shakes gross.) and a shake for lunch, and dinner. The only way I would deviate from this plan, is if like tomorrow, I am going to have to be out and about all day. (Another doctor’s appointment, then going to see my sister and mother, support group meeting in Towanda.)

So while I am sipping my breakfast, the IPOD is charging, the Nook Color should be all charged since I put it on the charger last night. I have my purse packed up, with a protein bar if my blood sugar drops. Morning meds are taken, and now its off to get a shower (no make up today my face is still breaking out from some old foundation that I used and didn’t realize it went bad, as it didn’t smell, look or feel bad.) I’ll update later, after I get home….

This past month as been a blur of emotions for me. From worrying about gastric bypass green lights, to family drama (or lack there of. Call me paranoid but when all is calm during the holidays with out the traditional family fight- I get worried.) To stressing about school work, health related issues etc. I just haven’t been able to catch my breath. And for about a month now I can’t sleep worth a darn. Of course my life is so boring with out a man, kids, or a strict schedule that I really don’t stress about it all that much. Except for today. You see I have to keep tabs on the bipolar aspect of my health, and when I can’t sleep for shit every night for a month, its time for me to call me doctor to get put on something to help me sleep, or at least get some Benadryl which is guarantee knock out drug of choice for me. I wouldn’t worry about it if it were just sleep alone, but its also the fact that I’m irritable, over the stupidest things. So my readers, I believe that I am having a mild manic episode. Thankfully as part of the green light from the pdoc I have to make an appointment and keep an appointment with my local mental health facilities. My counselor is wonderful and very encouraging, and I think I’m going to be having a long talk with her about this Wednesday.

One some better news- My sister and her boyfriend should be coming up to visit me soon. I can’t wait. I love/hate being here alone day after day. Its more like I love it because its drama free and I don’t have to deal with people’s gossipy shit, but I hate it because I live so far away from my family. Mom wants me to move down to the Tower’s where she’s at, and I’m just not all that comfortable with it. I like living here for the most part. For the first time in a long time, I have friends that I can go out with that understand my ‘I’m not going to drink, but I’m certainly willing to dance like I’m drunk and be DD to make you guys feel better.’ and they understand me. And more over the care about me as me and not me trying to hard to please people. Also I’ve been able to really grow as a female and really value the empowerment that I’ve tripled since being here.

Did I mention that my Birthday is this month? Yeah… I don’t wanna talk about it. Don’t tell anyone but I’m going to be *gulp* 27. I’m having a huge problem with this. Not because its old or anything like that. But because I kind of had a to do list of things I’d wanted to do before I turned 30. And only like two of those things are going to be done. The first is getting the gastric bypass and loosing the weight, and second is graduating from college. Thanks to Full Sail I’ll be able to do that.  That and birthday’s =cake and ice cream and blargh. However Pillsbury now has sugar free cake mixes and frostings that are pretty stinking good.

I did learn that Special K protein shakes are amazingly good, but also very high in sugar. Sugar is baaad. I’m also starting hopefully tomorrow (I’m taking a bus to Wal-mart.) I am going to get the Whey protein shakes that are very low in sugar and some protein shots. (They have grape, watermelon, and strawberry… Strawberry wins for me.) and I’m going to go on a week long liquid fast to try to up my weight loss and get over this plateau I’m having.  I’m also doubling my work outs to three times a week to 30 min daily, rotating between just dance 3 and doing the treadmill, and upping my water in take from 63oz to 126 oz. I haven’t had soda in a long time, but I have gone out to dinner, and starting tomorrow-er-today I am going to be on a 90 day no fast food challenge. With that I’m also doing a 90 day no caffeine/soda challenge. Ok so since I can’t sleep, and the dog is snoring beside me on the floor, I decided to take it on step further on the 90 day challenges and create a new 101 in 1001 list. You can find it under the Day Zero tab. Wish me luck!

I saw this on a few other blogs and decided to join in. The concept is to pick one word that you want 2012 to be.

Stability is the word that I chose. I’ve been unstable for a long time, due to my own issues, other toxic people in my life, and since I’m owning this year and taking my life back through gastric bypass, better and more effective coping skills, and healing from years of self abuse, abuse from others. I’m living this year day by day hoping to become stable and well adjusted.  This also goes over to home life as well. I am getting new furniture from Rent-a-center so I can have nice furniture and pay it off monthly and I’m getting that before #gastricbypass [1.Why yes I did just hastag my own blog.] and once I get that I’m cleaning up the entire apartment, and keeping it clean. I’m getting rid of things I don’t use any longer or have no place for and working up from there.

Well I went to the mental health evaluation and he asked me a whole lot of questions but his body language was screaming hesitant when he met with me. I have bipolar disorder, so I must be a crazy bitch right? WRONG! For the first time in my life, I am medication free, and I’m stable. Still anxious at times but a lot better than what I was even two years ago. So he wants to talk with the counselor and doctor at NTC. I know the doctor wasn’t happy with me but I told him and his nurses assistant flat out that I’ve gone this long with out medication, I’m fine, no cutting, no alcohol and for the first time in my life I love myself, I’m not happy with my body and the at risk situation for so many diseases its put me into but I’m happy. Now? I’m heart broken and defeated because while the bariatric center all gave me a green light and love the progress I’ve made (20 lbs.) I can not begin to tell you how scared I am. Plus its the holidays. So if I don’t hear from by mid January (my next appointment is Jan 16th) I may not be able to go through it. I’m scared. I don’t want to be the fat girl my entire life. I don’t want to be unhealthy. Bipolar disorder is already taking 25 years off of my life, and morbid obesity isn’t helping either. Its not like I woke up one day as a child and said “I think I’m going to be obese the rest of my life.” That wasn’t it at all.

His exact words were “The bariatric center hasn’t sent me their notes so I want to look over them, so for now I’m going to have to give you a yellow light. Its standard procedure. During this time I’m going to talk with your pdoc and your counselor.” I have no idea what this means and I am so freaking scared that its going to be a no. I didn’t ask for bipolar disorder. I didn’t ask to be put on medication that ultimately helped me to gain 150 lbs. I didn’t ask for any of it and now it could keep me from getting the surgery that I have no doubt in my mind will save my life.

Forgive me I am venting, and crying. Everyone says that “I’m sure, you’ll be fine. NTC can’t stop you from having the surgery and your counselor was on your side.” I had to stop because of transportation issues after I moved up to the Valley and wasn’t right in Towanda any longer. So now I have to go back into counseling and talk to a doctor that wants to put me on a medication that is going to make me gain weight. I’m literally between a rock and a hard place and I’m feeling more and more hopeless.

The worse part is after the tears fade I’m going to get angry. I’m going to get down right pissed that once again bipolar is keeping me from something. Now before you give me the bullshit of people with bipolar disorder can lead regular lives. I know this. I’m trying very, very VERY hard to live a normal life and to create the life I want to create. I am working very hard, but after while you realize that you have to work 200 times harder to get HALF of what normal people can do with half the effort. I want to be well, I crave to be well and part of that is loosing the weight because I know more than anything that health reasons aside, no man is going to look at me that is a decent, hard working good looking man and want to date, fall in love with, or marry someone who weighs as much as I do. Sure there are chubby chasers and fat admirers but those guys kind of creep me out, not even gonna lie. And beyond that there is the far that thanks to the fashion industry changing clothing sizes I don’t fit into Fashion Bug’s plus sizes. Their 30/32′s that USED to fit me are now two sizes too small when I bought a pair there two years ago that are big on me now, that are WAY bigger than their pants now. I want to fit into the pretty cloths, I want to be able to show off my self. I want to be able to say for the rest of my life I am going to live with this change, accept this change and be motivated to this change and use gastric bypass as a tool to help me along the way.

I know I can do it. I know I can. I’m just scared that a doctor who hasn’t met me more than once isn’t going to agree with me. I know myself, my body better than any doctor does. I live with myself 24/7 half of these doctors can go to fucking hell for all I care. They don’t know me, they don’t know my past, they want to use me as a lab rat for pharmaceutical companies so they and the medicine industry can make money on mental health drugs that just do not work, most people in this area I know found a great set of medication and then poof were taken off for some mysterious reason and given harsher drugs that made them worse.

*sigh* Forgive my venting. Just pray for me and wish me luck.

When you are my friend, and you are dating another friend of mine, you become a nonsexual being to me, even after the break up. Why? Well, it just complicates things to be perfectly honest. Its not that they are unattractive but the other friend’s emotions are what is important.

I am in this situation now. I’ve told this friend that because he’s one of my best friends very recent ex’s I will not date him. I will be there as a friend, but I’ve known her longer ergo my loyalties lie to her, first and foremost. I’ve said this before that he’s pulling the ‘I love you, I need you’ card with me, and I finally told this friend tonight, and she -thankfully- understood.

You see, when I am a friend to someone, I really think of what that would do to me if I were in the other person’s shoes, and it pissed me off that he would have the nerve to lie about her to me, of all people, and then try to get in my pants with the I love you card. REALLY? I’m working my ass off to change for the better, not worse, and you’re telling me this? AHHH!

So while I write this, I am sipping the nectar of the Gods (Literally, its herbal tea: Tension Tamer) trying to unwind. I am beyond pissed off, I’m breaking out, I’m craving chocolate, and I am going grocery shopping tomorrow. Two negatives and a plus.
I am not talking about a little irritated or annoyed, I am talking full on rage, at people’s stupidity, ignorance, and just bullshit. I literally had a guy today message me from out of no where, I think we’ve talked a total of three or four times. I know that he’s from over seas in the states with a work visa, but that’s really about it. Not the type of guy I’m looking for so I said thanks, but no thanks and forgot about him, until today. Sarboro something or another pops up, I wasn’t paying attention to be honest, like I said, I deleted him and forgot about him.
Well he gets on and he’s like oh I’ve had a hard day, there’s so much going on. Can I ask you a question? Me not thinking that this guy was a pervert says yeah sure. He then proceeds to ask me how much I’d charge him, for him to drive up here, get a hotel/motel and do sexual favors to help him relax. I proceeded to flip the fuck out, threatened to call the cops, knowing full well they could do nothing because he lives 4+ hours away, then proceeded to tell him that I would be calling immigration etc. I was like WTF really?
And I was already in a bad mood, because on Facebook they have a rummage sale site, and this woman who turned out to be a pathological liar said she wanted the Pink Motorola Razor V3 that I was selling because its a simple at&t prepaid phone. I said sure, but you have to come get it, I’m broke and have no car. Thankfully I paid head a few months on the domain, but still. So I had gotten up early, didn’t shower right away because I wanted to get a work out in before noon. Well I waited an hour, gave her hell on a message, blocked her and then did my Just Dance 3 work out.
I just don’t get my mood. I am just so angry. Angry and wanting chocolate that I don’t keep in the house because of the diet. AHHHH! So as you can see the PMS fairy has hit this girl hard. Which makes sense considering I haven’t had a period since the miscarriage September of ’09. I believe I’m about due. *sigh*