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What is one of your favorite memories that invokes your friends or family? Why is it one of your favorite?

While I’m not one much any longer for memory lane. I think my favorite memory is one with my Dad. Granted I have a great deal of great memories with my Mother and friends/family. My Dad and I didn’t get along all that well growing up, he did everything he could for me. But relating we just didn’t click. It was 8th grade and I was doing the science project that I’d perfected through a three year process and it was the awards cerimony. I had the biology category and the winners were announced, Honorable mention, 3rd, 2nd, 1st place goes to Karyn Bennett the look of pride on my Father’s face was so amazing and so precious to me that it made up for us not clicking.

Its my favorite memory, because I’ve always tried to please my Dad, and it became such an internal battle that I drove myself mad trying to figure out how to please him and this insane drive to be perfect, that in that one moment I had a lot of hope towards the future.

So, this past weekend… it was good, bad and worse. First lets start out with the ugly. It came to the attention of my Step Mother and Father that one of their daughters was bisexual (DUH!) and my Step Mother automatically said, “Oh, that’s sick.” How dare you call me sick because I love differently than you? How dare you judge something you have no idea about, especially about your one of your own ‘kids’.

When I was in high school I was not only going through the Goth phase of my life. But I was struggling with a lot of internal struggles with the fact that I really liked girls, in that way. My best friend S, was out and loving it and for her no one cared. I talked to her a lot about myself and what I was feeling and she turned into my first girlfriend. It was that kind of girl friend where we hung out and held hands. I’ve always hugged my friends so that wasn’t a boundary I had to get over. It wasn’t until I was a sophomore that I met my first lesbian. She was freaking awesome, as was her girlfriend. Everything I saw with them, every thing I felt… it just felt right.

We broke up because I just wasn’t ready to have a girl friend. I was honest with friends and eventually my Mother who accepted me regaurdless. I was harassed in school, that was a given. I was the fat Goth kid with the bad attitude. I tried to be nice to everyone but yet I heard every fat joke known to man, and after I pushed a toe out of the closet I was pushed so far back in…

It started with notes on my locker door, or being left on my desk while I was at the chalk board or in the bathroom. I got Faggot, Dyke etc. I had one kid take my teddy bear key chain and stab and exacto knife through it with a note that said “You’re next you fucking dyke.” Yet the vice principle did nothing because according to her I didn’t deserve it.  It got so bad, that I ended up having a break down and got admitted to ‘The Meadows’. My church members did everything that knew about my sexuality that I was no longer welcome, even thought I was the first one to get the Young Women in Excellence award. I was cast out by most everyone. Or how when I had caught Mono by drinking after a female friend of mine, the looks of disgust when I would say that I caught mono from a female friend of mine (looks of horror) because I drank after her. I’m not complaining because the fakes got out of my life quickly and those that mattered stayed behind.

I didn’t have my first girlfriend until after high school. Sure I’d had intimate one time things with two very good friends of mine, but they weren’t comfortable and stopped talking to me. Guys loved me, girls hated me. I was called a whore because I liked females. I was called greedy and other hateful names.

I sent my Step Mother a text message after this comment and told her to look at her own life before being such a bitch and that what goes on in the sex lives of others is none of her business and how dare she call me sick for loving differently. The text ended with you are no Mother figure of mine, because my real mother would never look at me and say that I was sick. I mean its not like she had to live being afraid to go to school because of these morons. Its not like she lived my life. Just like I can’t judge on how she lived hers. Its her life, and my life is my life.

I’m still a human being. Just because I can choose to have a girl friend or a boy friend because I like both, doesn’t make me greedy or a whore. It makes things complicated and it makes me a target for couples wanting a play mate– when that’s not what I’m looking for.

Members of the LGBT community don’t have it all that easy. I at leave have a choice between the two, I don’t have a choice that I’m attracted to both, but if I wanted to be ‘normal’ I’d date only men.  But I’m not normal. I’m bisexual. Either like it or you don’t, its really none of your business.

And for the haters out there that might mention God to me… Not anywhere in the Bible did it say that a woman can not lay with a woman. But it DID say this:

1	Judge not, that ye be not judged. Matt 7:1

Growing up, my parents let me do a lot of things,let learn, grow and more importantly have freedom. Once I’d gotten a job, if I wanted to dye my hair, I could. If I wanted to try out for the musical, I could. I got to take voice lessons, go to camp, go to EFY, go on school trips and basically anything that I had wanted to do. I was a good kid and rarely got grounded, but then again I hid a lot of what was going on with me from my parents. Yes, we fought, yes there was family drama, yes there were rough patches. But these past few days I am more than thankful for my parents, I’m grateful for my parents, because once I’d turned 18 they became advisers but let me take the reigns of my life, and while they still supported me in almost everything I did, I had the freedom to make my own choices and my own mistakes. Which I made a lot of. But they were there to pick up the pieces and hold me while I cried. When I asked for advice they never sugar coated it.

Even when I’d stopped talking to my father for two years, he let me go. He didn’t try to control me, and when my one website got hacked and I had to report it to the police because of the threatening message in html, I went up to his house and showed him so I could print it out. He was more than happy to help, and while we have hit rough patches since then, he’s always there. If I need a ride to the doctors, or to a store he’s there. Do I get lectured every now and again? Yep. When my step Mom came into my life, and how many time’s we’d butted heads it was still nice to know that she was there. I call my mom everyday just to make sure she’s alright.

I am so thankful for the parents I had growing up and the parents that I have today. I’m thankful for the demented dysfunctional love we have and I’m beyond thankful for the life that I have and the memories. They made their fair share of mistakes too, but at the end of the day, they kept me safe, and for the most part happy.

This morning, I woke up on the couch, because the dog I was watching for my sister decided AFTER I took her out, to piss all over my bed, my freaking memory foam mattress at that. And I didn’t know about it until 11 pm last night and it had soaked into the mattress. Thankfully I soaked the mattress with Mr.Clean with fabreeze and pressed down with paper towels until it all came out, and then fabreezed it, pressing again to dry it off, then put some heavy duty pet cleaner that you can vacume up on it over night, vacumed it up this morning and rotated the matress and good has new.

After that I got dressed and my Dad, step mom, and Sami who then took me to pick up John her boyfriend. Then we went up to the Fortune Buffet to have amazing Chinese. Sami bought me some Gelly (purple) headphones because I didn’t have any that would work, or that I could wear for long periods of time, and for some reason when I want to concentrate I tend to block out the world with headphones. So yay for me! After I got home I took a very long nap, longer than I had orginally wanted. I woke up at like 8 pm (a half an hour ago.) so now I’m hungry but then again not hungry because I had a lot at the Chinese place. Coconut chicken yum!

Well today started off with me having no plans, and no food. Both of these sucked majorly. I have chicken, but nothing to cook it with, like BBQ or dressings. Herbs yes but you get tired of herb chicken ALL the time. So I called Sami and I asked her to come down and watch movies and maybe order Chinese. She instead suggested that I go up to Dad’s and play Wii with her and eat pizza, chicken wings and salad. I said sure and was really leering about going up there to visit just to eat and play Wii. Sami and I played Wii sports then played Just Dance and Just Dance 2 for two and a half hours. I ate, then came home when Sami got driven to work, and came home, was home long enough to sit and watch and episode of a TV show online and talk to my best friend and my niece to walk through the front door curl up in my arms and start to bawl.  So I got off the phone and started to talk to her and got her calmed down and we went walking around town and ended up at an old friends that I went to high school with to hang out.  So then we walked to her house, then  sat at her house for awhile and then went home. I have literally been on my feet all day its nuts. I am so amazed that I am not dead right now.  I feel amazing but at the same time its like… I am so proud of myself.

My Dad and I had a falling out not to long ago. It was because I tried to tell him about my sister’s now ex boyfriend beig a sleeze ball. Well guess what he just proved how right I was. I didn’t want to be right, I really didn’t, not at my little sister’s expense. I am cleaning out my bed room because once again I’m missing something I need because my room, once again got trashed becuase of me not feeling well. Well I gathering up all of my pictures that I have laying around that I want to scrap book, because well we all know how much I love scrapbooking. I found two family pictures, one of my Mother, Father, brother and I when I was an infant and another at my Aunty’s wedding with just Mom, Dad, Sami and myself. And I just stared at the picture and bawled. This past year (2010) my Dad’s had a heart attack, two strokes and was just in the hospital the other day because of his numbers going up and his speech starting to sound funny. My Grandfather doesn’t even know I’m alive anymore because his mental state due to dementia and Alztimers has deteriated him so badly. At times he still thinks my Grandmother is still alive and just at work. My Grandmother died in 1989. (9-11-1989 to be exact one year later Sami was born.)
My family is slipping away from me more and more, or at least that is what I feel like. I know its stupid to think that but its true. Both maternal Grandparents are dead, Grandma on Dad’s side is gone and the only one that I actually got to know. I have various great-whatevers that I just don’t know. I just dunno anymore. I want to swallow my pride and tell Dad I’m sorry for the horrible things I said, but I don’t because I feel like I deserve and apology too. An apology for him trying to control my life and who I can and can not talk to when its none of his business. He keeps his nose out of everyone else’s life but because I have the dianosis that I do he keeps in mine. Yes I realize that those are his issues and not mine. I time and time again will draw the boundry lines of my personal limits and he just walks all over them.What kills me is that when I needed glasses and TOLD him that I was going online to purchase them and it would be SO much cheeper at Zenni Optical (btw Thanks Jenn for that link. He said no I don’t have the money. I asked him as a birthday present. The total was half what the doctor’s wanted btw. But yet I find out that he loaned the ex money… It pisses me off because it reminds me over and over my own issues. I thought it would be so easy to just walk away.

But I know that one day he’s not gonna be there and that scares the shit out of me.

I’ve heard from several people that my younger sister’s boyfriend is running me into the ground with my old group of friends. I’ve also heard from several people that he’s asking other girls out to dinner and hitting on other girls, possibly sleeping around.  I could care less about what this boy does to be honest but when I hear from my cousin who has never once lied to me that he’s running me into the ground, when I have done nothing but bend over backwards for him and have only stood up to him ONCE, I tend to get irritated.

But what hurts me worse than anything? Is the fact that I am no longer welcome in my father’s new family. Because of this douchecock and yes I invented that word, my step mother is stepping up to the plate and defending her and her boyfriend, when I have solid court documented proof thanks to UJS portal that he is lieing to my sister. ¹ But yet I’m the liar and the bad person. I’ve had enough. My father will call my phone the one that I’m paying for on my Mom’s account not his and bitch me out. He’s verizon, I’m At&T which takes up my minutes. Unless Mom put him on the A list I can’t remember to be honest.  But no someone else makes a comment that wait isn’t said boy in jail. I said no the jail was called inmate wasn’t present which means it was a typo or a misread and my step mom jumps my shit. No names where mentioned she assumes that it was him. After he’d already said his nick name we did too.  And the sad part is this all started because I made a statement on my facebook page which apparently my father and step mother think they have control of, and was asked what was wrong. Again never said a name, just that some SOB that lived off of me, used me, etc was running me into the ground.

I deleted and blocked my Father, step mother, sister and just deleted my step brother. I went for two years with out talking to my father, stopping now isn’t gonna phase me. I’m so glad that his flesh and blood isn’t good enough but a convicted dealer, kidnapper, and liar is. Thanks Dad. Now you have your answer as to why I’m so fucked up. Right?  I can’t believe I’m saying this but my biological brother that I don’t normally talk about because of the history of abuse there, is right. My father wasn’t there for me growing up except to buy me things, never to spend time with me, and ya know what he can’t start parenting me now. I’m old enough to tell him to fuck off because guess what? On the 24th of this month I will be 26 years old.

I’m too old for this shit. I’m done with the drama, I’m done with competing for my father’s love and attention when he obviously doesn’t want it. California is starting to look and sound better and better. Get me outta this hell hole state and away from my deranged Father and step monster. I’m a big girl.

I actually told my wonderful Mom today that she was miraculously impregnated with me cause I don’t have a Dad. He never wanted me. I wasn’t the golden boy and I wasn’t his pumpkin seed. Well bye dad. See you in hell.

I am 25 god damned years old. Since when does that give my father the right to ask who I have in the apartment just because someone says something in the back ground. It’s my apartment, I pay the rent, not my father.What makes him think that just because I’m crazy, means that he can boss interrogate  me  like that? I have lived on my own for over a year, haven’t ever let underage people drink in my home, have had the cops called on me unless it was for an emergency. I try to make a good home where my door is always open and I don’t live like a freaking hermit.

My step sister is underage, or was until this past year. Because I apparently can’t string thoughts together when I’m pissed off I got her age wrong, my sister is underage, my step sister is of age which makes it worse because she could have gone to jail for serving a minor alcohol. I’m also speaking of past incidences, ya know like the one with Jack Daniels.. She let her 20 year old brother drink who is also a serving military person. He hadn’t turned 20 un til this year btw he’s only 6 months older than my sister. They’ve had the cops called on him/them several times. But because they do not have a mental health diagnosis, he doesn’t bitch at them.  But because I have people here all the time, try to be there to anyone who needs a shoulder or have it worse off then I do, and because I talk to people that he doesn’t like, he deems it perfectly fine to try to lord over me and control me. Guess what Dad? You didn’t do that in high school when I needed it, you’re too late now. I am 25 years old and an adult. Your son doesn’t talk to you, I didn’t for two years… we were doing so good… why do you insist on trying to control my entire life when you are to freaking late to parent?

** In no way am I trying to even consider myself all knowing. This is just what I’ve noticed. And what I told him myself. I do not let people drink her underage or even hang out here with people above age drinking.