The stupid manager didn’t turn on the hot water until yesterday, I’ve been here since, oh monday.. talk about taking your good old sweet time. rawr. Smeagle is coming up to pick me up so I can go to graduation… yay…

Just a picture of me this morning.  I think I look pretty good. I mean for having hair like the cowardly lion.

Let’s walk away from this hell..

So I am all moved in right? Well I have no hot water in  my apartment, and two of my stove top thingers don’t want to turn on. So yea. Its nothing major just a pain in the ass because now I have to bring shit up to mom’s just so shower. Which I didn’t do today. :(

So the guy that has the apartment that I wanted to move into? He’s moving out in two months because to him its cheaper to live in a camper. SO I could have had that apartment … but I like this one that I’m in. lol

Sometimes you just have to wonder WTF?

So after the entire apartment fiasco, my mom called the next day and was talking to the landlord and was like “Look, your manager fucked up on my daughter’s orginal apartment, now you’re telling her that she has to be in an apartment where she is uncomfortable and her needs are not met? That’s pretty shitty, is there anything you can do considering its the fault of your staff that put her in this mess.” Well she was really nice about it and said that there was another apartment downstairs but it had a very small leak when it rained REALLY hard. Well I didn’t mind that because she said that it would be fixed. So I went and looked at it and its actually bigger then the orginal apartment and has a bigger bathroom/bathtub. I went down with money in hand and got the keys. So yesterday Richie, dad, sami and I where all moving. Poor Jet couldn’t do a whole lot because of her ankles, they are pretty fucked up.

So yea I know everything happens for a reason but there are times when its like WTF?

I also went to Mansfield this weekend for the alum picnic. It was a blast, I got to meet and hang out with a lot of very cool women. My little CJ comes running and jumps into my lap screaming MY BIG SHE’S HERE! I laughed and gave her a huge hug.

Anyone for an assraping?

Fuck the fucking fucker. I had this apartment all ready, it was promised to me, but since the manager of the apartment is all about money money money he rented out the apartment to someone else.  So I had to look at two other apartments one was to small and clusterfucked, the other one was dirty, being used as a storage shed, the bed wasn’t even put together the fridge was missing. It was dark and just not my style.  I am heartbroken disapointed and dissatisfied. I’m now stuck here until something better comes along, or until I die. I just don’t understand how someone could be so incredibly ignorant this was my first apartment where I was going to be on my own and now its spoiled. I can’t afford anything else.  So yea I’m incredibly pissed and lost and don’t know what the hell to do….

here I stand, helpless and left for dead…

I’m so excited about my apartment and the freedom that entails with your own place, I won’t have to live with my parents anymore, and well it just works out, but I’ll be alone, and that terrifies me. I’m so over whelmed with all of the packing and such that goes along with it. I’m going to have to get up early tomorrow just to try to organize things a little bit more. Ugh….

I got my apartment so I’ll be moving on the first, I am so excited, finnally a little stablity I hope. I’m really excited about living on my own, I won’t have to answer to anyone as long as I follow the rules that the landlord has already put into place, and since I’m not drinking yea. I’m freaking excited.

Nothing really going on.

I have a lot to work trough, and right now I feel clear, like nothing in this world is going to affect me the way that it did. I can’t go into details but I just feel so.. normal. Like really mellowed out. I don’t want to get back on medications but it looks like tomorrow I am going to have to be.

I just wish I had taken that risk when I had the chance. Life keeps passing me by and its pissing me off.

Did you ever look did you ever see that one person, and the way they do these things…. it hurts so much…

I saw one of my best friends today, and instead of being incredibly happy, I was more saddened by the fact that she’s dating this great guy, is happy and stable. No she didn’t make me sad, it was more of a trigger within myself because to be perfectly honest, I’m terrified that I’ll never know what its like to truely love someone.  That I’ll never know what its like to be stable, on my own and happy. I know I should have a WRAP plan, and that I should be taking steps to make myself better. But this is the first time in my life that I have wanted this so bloody much. I WANT the life that everyone around me seems to have. I WANT the boyfriend/girlfriend that I can kiss and hold, I WANT someone to be jealous of me. But instead what do I have? Seriously what do I have… I have a book published, I have intelligence, but not much else…. RAWR.

So I went to talk to the nurse because she said my first day back into program, that she was going to interview me about my medication. She never did, so when I asked her about if I was to see the doctor or not she basically said no, that I had to wait. Ok that’s fine but what pisses me off is that there are people who don’t need anything but go to this woman for attention, and I have no medications, I haven’t been on medications since oh about 2 to 3 months ago… who needs to be seen more? The attention whores and the hypocrondriacs? Or the one that actually needs the medications. RAWR.
I’ve been going to recovery group a lot and a lot of it makes sense, but what doesn’t make sense is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. If nothing else I have cut back on what I drink, or what I do (IE Cutting, I haven’t touched drugs in YEARS) BUT in all fairness, I don’t plan on drinking any time soon anyways. I just heard something that kind of scared me. This guy had two glasses of wine (vs. me being able to drink the entire bottle) and he was on his medication… he went into the hot tub and proceded to pass out. I know I’m not that dumb to mix alcohol and a hot tub, and medication, but still, there have been studies where people that drink while on medication can end up in a coma or brain dead. And I don’t know about everyone else but the idea of all gone dead is kind of scarey.

Chenoa… rawr….

Here’s how you play: Once you’ve been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random facts, habits, or goals about yourself– at the end choose 5 people to be tagged. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying (You’re It!) and to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you. So since you can’t tag me back let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.

1. I’m a self injurer, I cut for control.
2. I’m double jointed
3. Music is my life, I’ve been taking voice lessons since 3rd grade.
4. I have a book published
5. I’m BI
6. I have a candle fetish
7. My vampire fetish is worse.
8. I want to have sex with severus snape.
9. I love silver jewelry
10. I’m Wiccan.

My tagged are: Joana, Julie, Janet, Kate, Maria, and Elyse.